Sorry it’s been so long folks, but Dear Hoops is back and I have a few questions to answer over the next few days so stay tuned and keep those questions coming in to dearhoops@gmail.com
Dear hoops.
My dilemma is this: I am a registered nurse, married to a professional man. Up until now he has had a decent paying, stable, full-time job. He has decided to leave his job, due to the fact that he HATES it, and work in retail part time while going back to uni. I fully support him in this decision, as I worried about his mental health on a regular basis because he used to feel so down and upset.
However, we are financially struggling. I went from working a full-time job earning ok money, to working 80-100 hour weeks to make ends meet. We were planning on starting a family later this year, too, which will go on hold, for 4 years or so just because we can’t afford for me to not work. So, as a desperate measure, I’m thinking of joining the defense force…
The money I would earn would be more than enough to live on while my hubby is at uni, and I can go back to working normal hours at normal times of the day. We would have full health benefits, and maternity leave if needed. The work will be different, and challenging in a whole new level. However, this is not really a career move that I would ordinarily take if hubby had stayed in his stable work. My religion is not supportive of the move however, I personally have no objections to working in this field, and admire those who do defend our country. Hubby will support me in whatever I feel is right.
I feel like I’m talking myself into this for the wrong reason (money, stability), rather than joining for the right reasons (patriotism). I feel like this is a cop-out to dodge or escape hard work and responsibility, while degrading the people who work so hard protecting and serving our country. But I’m not sure how long I can go working the hours I am and get what I want out of life too. Help me get perspective, hoops. Am I doing the right thing for the wrong reason, the wrong thing for the right reason, or just simply, doing what I can to get by…
-Nurse’s Dilema
Helloooooo Nurse!
You know when times get tough it’s more important than ever to open ourselves up and see things from every angle available to us. Unfortunately, the more stress we’re under, the harder things are for us, the more we seem to get tunnel vision. We go from having the entire world open to us to walking down a very narrow tunnel with only one way out.
That’s just an illusion though. It’s a very rare thing in life to find yourself with only one option. I certainly don’t think that’s the case here. I think the telling part of your letter to me is when you say that you fear you’re talking yourself into this decision and that’s usually a bad sign. That sounds like rationalizations and such. That’s not good.
My advice to you is pretty simple. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t choose to sign up for the defense force, what I am saying is that you should explore other options and approach it like the defense force isn’t an option. All too often when searching for a solution to a problem we stop when we find * a * solution that seemingly addresses all the issues involved. However, finding a solution doesn’t preclude there from being other solutions that can address them as well.
A few things that register for me here are that you’re the one expected to make all the sacrifices here. Why can’t your husband find a full time job and go to school part time? Or, why can’t he—like a lot of people do—both work and go to school full time? If he’s going to school for something that will earn a good deal of money for you in the future, why not consider a student loan?
I understand all too well what your husband is going through. I’m not unsympathetic to his problems and I really think it’s admirable of you to do what’s necessary and jump into the breach to support your family. The problem is that he seems to want to take the shortcut to getting a degree—by which I mean the quickest path to it, instead of maybe seeing that the price for his not having done it already is that he needs to go slow and steady to achieve his goals and to understand that you are not his get out of jail free card.
And don’t mistake what I’m saying here. I’m not calling him selfish or saying that he’s taking advantage of you. I’m saying that he feels like he’s backed himself into a corner and the natural instinct is to flee—to get out as quickly as possible. Sometimes that fight or flight instinct is overwhelming. It narrows the vision and it makes us blind to all else but the flight we chose.
In being supportive, you’ve basically chosen to take a piggy back ride on an animal of prey running from the predators. You’re going to get bit first unless you get off. You need to be supportive by being the one who sees more clearly. You need to be supportive by picking up the slack in your relationship when he’s both working and studying. You need to be supportive by understanding his stress and by being there for him over the long haul that it will take to get him where he wants to be.
The quick and easy path is rarely the right choice. It’s quick and easy for a reason. You joining the defense force may be the quickest way for you both to achieve your family goals, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right one or the best one. You working 80-100 hours a week is CERTAINLY not. Better to look into advancing your own career, possibly to management, is a better idea that working yourself that hard.
The point is that there are lots of options. There is a lot to discuss. While you are a couple and while it’s awesome and amazing that you are willing to do anything for him, you also have a responsibility to take care of yourself—a responsibility that he must share for your well-being like you have proven you take of his. If the solution to this problem only involves one of you making a sacrifice, that’s a path to resentments which lead to aggravations, which leads to fights, which leads to a rocky marriage. It’s human nature. Relationships end this way. In the end all you may realize is that you did nothing but fight, but its this, choosing the easy path that may lead to the fuel that gets those fights burning.
Don’t talk yourself into anything. Don’t rush to any decisions. Don’t assume just because you found * a * way that it is * the * way, even if it seems like it’s a solution that’s too good to be true—especially if it seems like it’s too good to be true. Marriage is a partnership. So partner up to take this issue on, don’t take it on your shoulders alone.
Good luck!
-hoops
