Dear Hoops,
How do you tell the difference between a guy who is actually being a jerk, and one that's been burned in a past relationship and is afraid of it happening again? I'm talking to a man right now who is awesome most of the time...but there's times (it usually has to do with me interacting with another male) that he seems to pull away and just be kind of stand-off ish. It's not jealousy, we've talked about that before. He's just not open at all and doesn't want to talk about it.
He got out of a relationship about 10 months ago where she cheated on him, did drugs, and basically put him through hell and I know he loved her a lot. So I'm not exactly sure what's going on, he hasn't had a serious relationship with anyone but he's dated. And he's getting ready to leave for the Army for basically 20 months in January, but we've talked about becoming "official"...just kind of looking for some insight into what he might be thinking. Thanks!
-Burned or Jerk
Dear B/J,
Sadly, there isn’t a formula you can plug in here and determine if he’s a jerk or if he’s just been burned or if there’s something else going on that you may not even know about. Talking is really the only way to find out for sure.
That said, it certainly sounds like he has just cause to feel a little burned, but the fact of the matter is that it’s not your problem. I think women make this mistake quite often and its always one you can justify in your minds but really, it’s the first step down a steep, slippery slope. You find this guy and he’s GREAT…except for this one thing. However, he has a reason! He’s been burned in the past. His mother didn’t breastfeed him as a child. Whatever. The one thing that’s always constant is that whatever his “thing” is, it plays itself out by him not treating you as well as you deserve.
But that’s okay! He can be fixed! You can heal him! Time will make it all better! It’s only temporary! It’ll work itself out! It won’t always be like that!
But it’s not okay. You deserve better than a project. You deserve better than a fixer-up. You deserve better than an unspoken hint of a promise that the future will be different because you know what? It very rarely is.
Look. If this guy knows he’s still broken inside and he allows you to get involved with him he’s being selfish. He’s showing you that you and your feelings are a low priority for and to him. You don’t date your way through heartbreak. You mend your heart and then you try again. What you might do though, is find someone to fuck while you’re heartbroken. You might even feel so scorned and burned that you have no problem hurting someone else in the process. You may even put up the illusion of having feelings or being in a relationship with someone because someone was just careless with your heart so why should you look out for the wellbeing of someone else’s?
I can’t get my crystal ball out and tell you that this is or isn’t what’s happening with you. I don’t know enough to say that. I do know this though: You have to respect yourself because there are no guarantees anyone else ever will. Respect for yourself means not having to wonder if the guy you’re dating has issues from the past or is a jerk because if he’s acting like a jerk or treating you as a jerk would treat you—you refuse to put up with it. Respect for yourself means dating guys who have their shit together, not ones that you feel can be fixed up to be acceptable. Respect for yourself is having standards and that means shooting down the right guy if he’s not ready at that time to be all that you deserve in a man.
When you start a relationship off by making excuses for a man and allowing him to get away with behavior that you find unacceptable, you’re not being patient and helping him through a tough time, you’re setting a precedent. You’re making disrespect and jerky behavior the base line. You may think you’re only tolerating it for a while, but he sees it as approval. Simply put, when you accept less than what you need and deserve, that is exactly what you get.
Talk to him. Respect yourself. Demand what you deserve and don’t settle for less.
Good luck,
hoops
