The Know-It-All Boyfriend and the Temple of Doom!

After a nice little break while I polished off all the Thanksgiving leftovers, Dear Hoops is back with some new advice.  I’d imagine that at some point, we’ve all run into a significant other like this…

Dear Hoops,





How do you deal with a man who constantly corrects people? I'm talking the kind of dude who interrupts you to tell you that you're using a word wrong, or that dolphins are, in fact, mammals, and not fish. His intentions are honorable, I suppose. He doesn't want to promote ignorance, so if you're wrong, he feels he has a duty to tell you. My opinion is that, unless you're in school or a professional environment, you should just let it go. Sure, I don't want to sound dumb if I'm using a word incorrectly, but he does it to friends, family, and even strangers. To be honest, he comes off as elitist and hypercritical more often than not. I'm actually afraid to introduce him to my family… what if he corrects my grandma on her use of colloquialisms? I don't think she, or anyone, will take kindly to being told they're making themselves sound stupid.  I love him, but quite frankly, I don't see the big deal. And I really don't want to have to worry about dangling my participles in casual company!! Is this petty, or am I perpetuating the butchering of the English language?




Signed,


Constantly Corrected

Dear Constantly,

It’s a tough situation when you’re dating an insufferable know-it-all.  You see past it because you know that he’s not really trying to be an ass, but the end result is that he’s being an ass!  You accept him as he is for yourself and I think that’s a pretty noble thing to do.  However, I also understand your concern regarding granny, the P’s and Uncle Rufus, all of whom may not like being corrected over every little thing they say. 

If I was you, I’d use the old sandwich method here.  The sandwich method is the best way to criticize or correct someone because it allows you to do it without hurting them or putting them on the defensive.  It works like this:  The correction is the meat and cheese of the sandwich, so it goes in the middle.  You put it in between the bread which you make compliments.  In this instance, it might go something like this-- 

You know I love your intelligence, it’s one of the things about you that really attracts me to you.  It’s like you know a little bit about everything and I know you’re always someone I can come to for answers.  I’m just worried though.  I really want to introduce you to my family but I’m afraid because sometimes people react badly when you correct them and I’m worried my family might.  I’ve seen the way some of our friends react to you when you correct them and I just don’t want to be my family’s first impression of you.  I love your brain.  I think it makes you so much more sexy.  And I’m really excited about us, and our long-term potential, so this is really important to me.  I know you don’t mean to intimidate people when you correct them, but no one likes to feel stupid and I just want them to see you the way I do, a brilliant, amazing man.

You start with a compliment to keep him off the defensive and leave him receptive to what it is you have to say.  Then you get to the meat of things and lay it out in a way that doesn’t threaten him.  Finally, you sum it up and close with a compliment and the result is that you get your message across without him feeling attacked.  In fact, he may come away not even realizing you’re correcting his behavior at all. 

At the end of the day though, you need to realize that he is who he is and that’s probably not going to change.  At some point, he’s probably going to tell granny that actually, it was the war, not FDR’s reform that brought about the end of the Great Depression and she’s going to go off on him because she lived through it.  That’s how it goes with people like that.  You have to decide if it’s worth it to date a guy who is going to alienate your friends, your family, your co-workers and anyone else you may introduce him to over the years. 

This may be a good test.  Maybe he doesn’t realize that he’s alienating people.  Maybe this will be a turning point for him.  Maybe, if you handle it properly this can be a good thing and the start of positive change.  If it’s not though, you need to take a step back and look at the path you’re on and think about whether or not it’s truly worth it?  You need to realize that when he alienates your family, he alienates them from you as well.  It’s the same with your friends and everyone else in your life.  No guy is worth trading away all those who love you.  You also have to be careful because some guys do this on purpose.  They break you away from your support system, get you isolated and alone and then they start abusing and taking advantage of you.  Now there’s nothing to indicate that’s the case here, but I want you to understand that this isn’t just some minor thing. 

Hopefully he takes the correction sandwich and things get better, but make no mistake, if you offer him this road to peaceful relations with your friends and family and he doesn’t take them, or doesn’t even make an effort to do so, then he’s basically telling you that this is the way it is and it will never change—and you deserve better than always having to apologize to your friends and family because your man can’t reign in his ego.

Good luck!

-hoops      

Fixing A Broken Man

Dear Hoops,

How do you tell the difference between a guy who is actually being a jerk, and one that's been burned in a past relationship and is afraid of it happening again? I'm talking to a man right now who is awesome most of the time...but there's times (it usually has to do with me interacting with another male) that he seems to pull away and just be kind of stand-off ish. It's not jealousy, we've talked about that before. He's just not open at all and doesn't want to talk about it.

He got out of a relationship about 10 months ago where she cheated on him, did drugs, and basically put him through hell and I know he loved her a lot. So I'm not exactly sure what's going on, he hasn't had a serious relationship with anyone but he's dated. And he's getting ready to leave for the Army for basically 20 months in January, but we've talked about becoming "official"...just kind of looking for some insight into what he might be thinking. Thanks!

-Burned or Jerk

Dear B/J,

Sadly, there isn’t a formula you can plug in here and determine if he’s a jerk or if he’s just been burned or if there’s something else going on that you may not even know about.  Talking is really the only way to find out for sure.

That said, it certainly sounds like he has just cause to feel a little burned, but the fact of the matter is that it’s not your problem.  I think women make this mistake quite often and its always one you can justify in your minds but really, it’s the first step down a steep, slippery slope.  You find this guy and he’s GREAT…except for this one thing.  However, he has a reason!  He’s been burned in the past.  His mother didn’t breastfeed him as a child.  Whatever.  The one thing that’s always constant is that whatever his “thing” is, it plays itself out by him not treating you as well as you deserve. 

But that’s okay!  He can be fixed!  You can heal him!  Time will make it all better!  It’s only temporary!  It’ll work itself out!  It won’t always be like that! 

But it’s not okay.  You deserve better than a project.  You deserve better than a fixer-up.  You deserve better than an unspoken hint of a promise that the future will be different because you know what?  It very rarely is. 

Look.  If this guy knows he’s still broken inside and he allows you to get involved with him he’s being selfish.  He’s showing you that you and your feelings are a low priority for and to him.  You don’t date your way through heartbreak.  You mend your heart and then you try again.  What you might do though, is find someone to fuck while you’re heartbroken.  You might even feel so scorned and burned that you have no problem hurting someone else in the process.  You may even put up the illusion of having feelings or being in a relationship with someone because someone was just careless with your heart so why should you look out for the wellbeing of someone else’s?

I can’t get my crystal ball out and tell you that this is or isn’t what’s happening with you.  I don’t know enough to say that.  I do know this though:  You have to respect yourself because there are no guarantees anyone else ever will.  Respect for yourself means not having to wonder if the guy you’re dating has issues from the past or is a jerk because if he’s acting like a jerk or treating you as a jerk would treat you—you refuse to put up with it.  Respect for yourself means dating guys who have their shit together, not ones that you feel can be fixed up to be acceptable.  Respect for yourself is having standards and that means shooting down the right guy if he’s not ready at that time to be all that you deserve in a man. 

When you start a relationship off by making excuses for a man and allowing him to get away with behavior that you find unacceptable, you’re not being patient and helping him through a tough time, you’re setting a precedent.  You’re making disrespect and jerky behavior the base line.  You may think you’re only tolerating it for a while, but he sees it as approval.  Simply put, when you accept less than what you need and deserve, that is exactly what you get. 

Talk to him.  Respect yourself.  Demand what you deserve and don’t settle for less.

Good luck,

hoops

Going down?

Dear Hoops,

I have a question about women giving oral sex: what's the big deal? I'm a woman and I've noticed that other women don't do it and are shocked at those who do, while men are over the moon when they find out a girl gives head, especially if she swallows.

Again, what's the big deal?

~Confused and giving head

Dear Giving Head,

I’m not a woman, so I can’t say for sure what the big deal is or even if most women think it is a big deal.  In my experience, most girls will give head if asked.  Some love to do it.  Some hate to do it but do anyway.  The number of girls I’ve met who outright refuse to do it currently resides at zero.  Then again, I’m one charming motherfucker!

I think the girls who love doing it tend to be the best at it.  It’s not really rocket science, but a little enthusiasm goes a long way.  The girls who hate doing it but do it anyway usually whine and complain and make it a pretty joyless experience.  I think most girls fall somewhere in between though.  They don’t love it, they don’t hate it, they do it and muster enough enthusiasm that it’s okay for us.  The middle-ground girls are also usually tit-for-tat when it comes to oral sex too.  They’ll go down on us fellas but expect reciprocation as soon as old white and gooey passes their lips. 

That said, I’m not sure who you talk to that thinks it’s “shocking” that you give head to your man but I can pretty much assure you that she’s in the minority.  Most girls seem to at very least understand that it’s part of doing business with a man—at least until we marry you.  Hell, kids today treat blowjobs like we used to treat kissing.  They have parties dedicated to the act!  The fact that when I used to spin the bottle the most I got was 7 minutes in heaven (which usually meant making out and maybe a little over the shirt boobie grabbing) dates me as an old-timer.

Simply put, my advice to you is to find some friends who aren’t currently living in a convent or with the Amish.  I don’t want to say it’s no big deal, but it’s no big deal.  Maybe your friends are all married and they just don’t care anymore.  They also probably wonder why their husbands never touch them anymore.  These women are a bad influence on you and will only try to drag you into misery with them.  Find someone new to discuss your sex life with!

As for men, of course we’re over the moon if you enjoy doing it!  Like I said earlier, the girls who actually enjoy doing it usually do it the best.  Any guy that’s been in a relationship where he had to beg for it or the woman used as a bartering tool will LOVE to be in a relationship with a girl who is happy to do it for him.  I think I can speak for most (not all) men when I say that if a girl goes out of her way to please me and really seems to enjoy pleasing me, I find that attitude contagious and want to do the same for her.  It makes for a very healthy sex life.

Finally, the whole swallowing thing may be different for different guys and to be honest, I think most don’t even know why they love it so much, but if you think about it for a second, what he’s shooting into your mouth is HIM.  It’s his genetic code.  It’s his very essence.  It’s his seed.  It’s highly personal.  So, how do you suppose it makes him feel to see that spit out by the girl he’s with?  I think most guys probably feel it as a kind of rejection even if they don’t really equate it to such. 

Conversely, when you swallow it, you are accepting him.  When you’re eager to do so, you’re excitedly accepting him, wanting him.  He looks at it, subconsciously, as an approval of the highest magnitude.

While I think more girls give head than don’t, I do not think that most girls swallow, so once again, you’re ahead of the curve on this one.  I don’t think the guy will reason it out that way, but I do think he’s more likely to enjoy it if you do drink the big gulp. 

At the end of the day, what you do with your partner is between you.  It doesn’t matter what others may think.  Healthy sex is about mutual pleasure but there shouldn’t be a scoreboard or an I go--you go attitude.  Do what comes natural and don’t feel pressured to do—or not do something based on what everyone else is doing.  Sex is supposed to be fun, so do what makes you happy.  Also, can I have your phone number?

Bottoms up!

-hoops

Don't know what you're missing until someone else gets it.

Dear Hoops, 

During a recent party, one of my mother's friends had a breakdown after she found out that her ex-husband is getting married. I see it like this: if he infuriated you enough that you stuffed his things into trash bags, threw them out onto the lawn, then legally dissolved your marriage, why cry over him moving on? He's *her* problem now! What's your take?

-Why Cry?

Dear Why,

We’re funny creatures, we humans.  We often hide things from ourselves or work very hard to make ourselves believe things that aren’t true.  We all have our defense mechanisms and we all protect ourselves from hurt.  The problem is that like all lies, the ones we tell ourselves blow up when they see the light of day.  

My guess is that is your mom’s friend wasn’t really crying over her ex moving on.  It may very well be that she was crying over her own failure to do the same.  There’s a good chance that his moving on shed light on what she considers her own failure to do so, or to do so in a truthful and real way.  Maybe she’s dating, maybe she’s remarried even, but I’m betting that underneath it all, no matter what her status may be, she is unfulfilled.

Think about it for a second.  She was unhappy.  She was so unhappy that she blamed her husband and she stuffed his things into trash bags and threw them on the lawn.  She legally dissolved their marriage.  She did all of that because she wanted to be happy.  So, she embarked out into this brand new world, ready to conquer it and get the happiness she deserved.  

Now, she’s confronted with the fact that this man—the supposed source of her unhappiness—has moved on and moved past her, he’s found someone new and he’s going to spend the rest of his life with her.  And here she is, still unhappy, still unfulfilled and maybe it starts to hit her that perhaps her unhappiness wasn’t just this man, perhaps it was something deeper, more profound and more personal.  Maybe part of the problem was her?  Maybe she was the whole problem?  I’m guessing those were some of the emotions at play that caused her to break down.

This is why divorce is the easy answer, not the right one in many cases.  It usually takes two people cause a divorce.  In fact, unless there is abuse of some kind going on, there are almost always two responsible parties for a relationship blowing up.  And those issues don’t just disappear.  We carry them on to the next relationship we have.  It’s like the old saying:  “Wherever you go, there you are.”

My all-time most favorite quote comes from one of my all-time most favorite movie characters, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  He says this:  “You’ll find that a great many of the truths we cling to, depend greatly upon our own point of view.”  And that is why its so important to talk to people that we trust.  It’s important to talk to people who we trust and people who are not just “yes-friends.”  If left to our own devices, we get stuck in a certain point of view and we accumulate evidence to support that view.  We dismiss all other evidence.  We entrench ourselves and before we know it, we stand directly opposed to the one we used to love.  We see an impasse.  We see no way around it.  We walk away.

I’m not taking shots at people who get divorces here.  In some cases, maybe even many cases, they are necessary.  One thing just about every divorce has in common though is that each side walks away thinking they are the good guy.  How can that be?  It’s because they only see things from their own point of view.

What happened to your mom’s friend is very likely that she was exposed to another point of view that her mind had been protecting her from.  It was like someone had thrown her into an ice cold swimming pool.  It’s a shock.  It may very well be that after a few days and some serious thinking and talking, she’ll realize that it was still all for the best and that she’s happier now, but she’ll also know that the tunnel she was looking down was a lie.

I hope your mom is a good friend.  I hope she realizes that there is more to this than meets the eye.  I hope she is there for this woman.  The truth hurts and it takes the love of real friends to heal.

-hoops

Bros before Hos

Dear Hoops-

First I will give you the back story: I dated Joe for 5 years, starting in high school and following through to our dramatic end in college. He was cheating on me, with at least 3 girls, one of whom he knocked up. Ultimately no baby was born, but we went our separate ways.

We did (do) however have several of the same friends and recently I have become very close to his best friend.  Joe and I have now been apart but cordial for almost 2 years. In the past 4 months I have noticed his best friend-Andrew- flirting with me, and generally paying a lot of attention to me. I like his attention.

I like Andrew, I now think maybe I always have liked him. We drunkingly had sex on Halloween, with no one around, and now he is ignoring me. We had never even kissed but well.  My problem is I like him and I dont want my past relationship to stop me from a future one. Joe and Andrew used to be roommates and are very close. Andrew also apoligized to me in the past month for never telling me that Joe had been cheating for so long. I like him, I think he atleast cares about me-do you think we have a chance? or am I just seeking the next best thing to Joe?

---me

Dear Me,

Let’s clear that up right off the bat.  You are not me.  You are you.  You shouldn’t sign things “—me” when you are actually not me and are in fact, you.  So, in the future, please don’t misrepresent yourself as me when you are obviously you and we can all get along nicely.

This one is kind of an easy one.  It may not be easy to see from inside it, but looking from the outside in it seems pretty clear to me that this is a “bros before hos” rule being applied.  Guess which one you are?  Sorry.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure this guy has a very real and actual crush on you and in another life could really see himself being happy with you, but this isn’t another life, it’s the life where he’s best friends with your ex.  His crush on you has already caused him to betray his friend in the minor way of apologizing for covering things and keeping them from you when in truth, even if his friend was being a douchemonkey, if he wanted to keep being his friend then he did do the right thing in not telling you.  Now he’s betrayed his friend in a big way, by getting drunk and allowing that to lower his inhibitions and sense of honor by allowing a ho to come before a bro, at least for that night.  He also slept with a friend’s ex without first getting the okay from him. 

What it all leads to is a man who feels very guilty now.  He feels guilty about the betrayal of his friend.  He feels guilty about leading you on.  He feels guilty about a lot of things.  His guilt is what’s keeping him from contacting you.  You may not want a past relationship to get in the way of a future one, but that choice isn’t up to you.  It sounds like your guy has already chosen for you and there really isn’t anything you can do about it.  I mean, I don’t know how close these two guys are but if you break up their friendship that doesn’t speak very well of you.  If he breaks up the friendship for a shot with you (and they are good/close friends) then that doesn’t speak very well of him. 

Sometimes you just have to walk away and that’s the way it is.  It sounds like this is one of those cases to me.  If he’s ignoring you then he’s already made up his mind.  Do you really want to be the kind of girl who would break up a friendship between two guys?  Do you really want to date the kind of man who has so little loyalty that he’d give up a friend to date you?  Do you really want a relationship that begins with secrets and backstabbing and disloyalty and such?  If a relationship is born in dishonesty, how do you suppose it will die?

Life isn’t fair.  I’m sorry.  I wish it could be and you and this guy could have a real chance, but I don’t think you do.  Maybe he’ll talk to your ex, explain his feelings and get the okay to date you and then maybe he will, but the ball is in his court.  He’s got the decisions to make here.  The most I think you can do is leave him a message or send him an email letting him know that you get it and you hope that he finds the courage to tell his friend what happened and get his okay because you really do think the two of you have potential.  After that, you have to leave it alone. 

Good luck.

-hoops

Getting Started...

Hello, to one and all!  I am Hoops P. Schlopencawk, purveyor of fine advice, common sense and the occasional can of whoop ass when it seems like someone might need it.  This isn't your parent's advice column though.  You won't get any Dear Abby type sweetness in these pages and you won't find a collaborator or co-conspirator to indulge your illusions.

What you will get is real, honest, heartfelt advice from someone who cares.  It'll be direct and to the point and truthful.  Just remember, sometimes the truth hurts.

I've been doing the advice gig thing for over 5 years now and have amassed quite the little following.  This is a new forum, but it will have the same old Dear Hoops advice that long-time readers have come to know and love from my previous blog and the time I spent writing this column at www.sacramentobookreview.com.

I hope you continue to enjoy things here at the new home of Dear Hoops.  If you have a question, you can leave it as a comment after an entry or you can email me directly at dearhoops@gmail.com.

And away we go again...