Don't know what you're missing until someone else gets it.

Dear Hoops, 

During a recent party, one of my mother's friends had a breakdown after she found out that her ex-husband is getting married. I see it like this: if he infuriated you enough that you stuffed his things into trash bags, threw them out onto the lawn, then legally dissolved your marriage, why cry over him moving on? He's *her* problem now! What's your take?

-Why Cry?

Dear Why,

We’re funny creatures, we humans.  We often hide things from ourselves or work very hard to make ourselves believe things that aren’t true.  We all have our defense mechanisms and we all protect ourselves from hurt.  The problem is that like all lies, the ones we tell ourselves blow up when they see the light of day.  

My guess is that is your mom’s friend wasn’t really crying over her ex moving on.  It may very well be that she was crying over her own failure to do the same.  There’s a good chance that his moving on shed light on what she considers her own failure to do so, or to do so in a truthful and real way.  Maybe she’s dating, maybe she’s remarried even, but I’m betting that underneath it all, no matter what her status may be, she is unfulfilled.

Think about it for a second.  She was unhappy.  She was so unhappy that she blamed her husband and she stuffed his things into trash bags and threw them on the lawn.  She legally dissolved their marriage.  She did all of that because she wanted to be happy.  So, she embarked out into this brand new world, ready to conquer it and get the happiness she deserved.  

Now, she’s confronted with the fact that this man—the supposed source of her unhappiness—has moved on and moved past her, he’s found someone new and he’s going to spend the rest of his life with her.  And here she is, still unhappy, still unfulfilled and maybe it starts to hit her that perhaps her unhappiness wasn’t just this man, perhaps it was something deeper, more profound and more personal.  Maybe part of the problem was her?  Maybe she was the whole problem?  I’m guessing those were some of the emotions at play that caused her to break down.

This is why divorce is the easy answer, not the right one in many cases.  It usually takes two people cause a divorce.  In fact, unless there is abuse of some kind going on, there are almost always two responsible parties for a relationship blowing up.  And those issues don’t just disappear.  We carry them on to the next relationship we have.  It’s like the old saying:  “Wherever you go, there you are.”

My all-time most favorite quote comes from one of my all-time most favorite movie characters, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  He says this:  “You’ll find that a great many of the truths we cling to, depend greatly upon our own point of view.”  And that is why its so important to talk to people that we trust.  It’s important to talk to people who we trust and people who are not just “yes-friends.”  If left to our own devices, we get stuck in a certain point of view and we accumulate evidence to support that view.  We dismiss all other evidence.  We entrench ourselves and before we know it, we stand directly opposed to the one we used to love.  We see an impasse.  We see no way around it.  We walk away.

I’m not taking shots at people who get divorces here.  In some cases, maybe even many cases, they are necessary.  One thing just about every divorce has in common though is that each side walks away thinking they are the good guy.  How can that be?  It’s because they only see things from their own point of view.

What happened to your mom’s friend is very likely that she was exposed to another point of view that her mind had been protecting her from.  It was like someone had thrown her into an ice cold swimming pool.  It’s a shock.  It may very well be that after a few days and some serious thinking and talking, she’ll realize that it was still all for the best and that she’s happier now, but she’ll also know that the tunnel she was looking down was a lie.

I hope your mom is a good friend.  I hope she realizes that there is more to this than meets the eye.  I hope she is there for this woman.  The truth hurts and it takes the love of real friends to heal.

-hoops

Bros before Hos

Dear Hoops-

First I will give you the back story: I dated Joe for 5 years, starting in high school and following through to our dramatic end in college. He was cheating on me, with at least 3 girls, one of whom he knocked up. Ultimately no baby was born, but we went our separate ways.

We did (do) however have several of the same friends and recently I have become very close to his best friend.  Joe and I have now been apart but cordial for almost 2 years. In the past 4 months I have noticed his best friend-Andrew- flirting with me, and generally paying a lot of attention to me. I like his attention.

I like Andrew, I now think maybe I always have liked him. We drunkingly had sex on Halloween, with no one around, and now he is ignoring me. We had never even kissed but well.  My problem is I like him and I dont want my past relationship to stop me from a future one. Joe and Andrew used to be roommates and are very close. Andrew also apoligized to me in the past month for never telling me that Joe had been cheating for so long. I like him, I think he atleast cares about me-do you think we have a chance? or am I just seeking the next best thing to Joe?

---me

Dear Me,

Let’s clear that up right off the bat.  You are not me.  You are you.  You shouldn’t sign things “—me” when you are actually not me and are in fact, you.  So, in the future, please don’t misrepresent yourself as me when you are obviously you and we can all get along nicely.

This one is kind of an easy one.  It may not be easy to see from inside it, but looking from the outside in it seems pretty clear to me that this is a “bros before hos” rule being applied.  Guess which one you are?  Sorry.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure this guy has a very real and actual crush on you and in another life could really see himself being happy with you, but this isn’t another life, it’s the life where he’s best friends with your ex.  His crush on you has already caused him to betray his friend in the minor way of apologizing for covering things and keeping them from you when in truth, even if his friend was being a douchemonkey, if he wanted to keep being his friend then he did do the right thing in not telling you.  Now he’s betrayed his friend in a big way, by getting drunk and allowing that to lower his inhibitions and sense of honor by allowing a ho to come before a bro, at least for that night.  He also slept with a friend’s ex without first getting the okay from him. 

What it all leads to is a man who feels very guilty now.  He feels guilty about the betrayal of his friend.  He feels guilty about leading you on.  He feels guilty about a lot of things.  His guilt is what’s keeping him from contacting you.  You may not want a past relationship to get in the way of a future one, but that choice isn’t up to you.  It sounds like your guy has already chosen for you and there really isn’t anything you can do about it.  I mean, I don’t know how close these two guys are but if you break up their friendship that doesn’t speak very well of you.  If he breaks up the friendship for a shot with you (and they are good/close friends) then that doesn’t speak very well of him. 

Sometimes you just have to walk away and that’s the way it is.  It sounds like this is one of those cases to me.  If he’s ignoring you then he’s already made up his mind.  Do you really want to be the kind of girl who would break up a friendship between two guys?  Do you really want to date the kind of man who has so little loyalty that he’d give up a friend to date you?  Do you really want a relationship that begins with secrets and backstabbing and disloyalty and such?  If a relationship is born in dishonesty, how do you suppose it will die?

Life isn’t fair.  I’m sorry.  I wish it could be and you and this guy could have a real chance, but I don’t think you do.  Maybe he’ll talk to your ex, explain his feelings and get the okay to date you and then maybe he will, but the ball is in his court.  He’s got the decisions to make here.  The most I think you can do is leave him a message or send him an email letting him know that you get it and you hope that he finds the courage to tell his friend what happened and get his okay because you really do think the two of you have potential.  After that, you have to leave it alone. 

Good luck.

-hoops

Getting Started...

Hello, to one and all!  I am Hoops P. Schlopencawk, purveyor of fine advice, common sense and the occasional can of whoop ass when it seems like someone might need it.  This isn't your parent's advice column though.  You won't get any Dear Abby type sweetness in these pages and you won't find a collaborator or co-conspirator to indulge your illusions.

What you will get is real, honest, heartfelt advice from someone who cares.  It'll be direct and to the point and truthful.  Just remember, sometimes the truth hurts.

I've been doing the advice gig thing for over 5 years now and have amassed quite the little following.  This is a new forum, but it will have the same old Dear Hoops advice that long-time readers have come to know and love from my previous blog and the time I spent writing this column at www.sacramentobookreview.com.

I hope you continue to enjoy things here at the new home of Dear Hoops.  If you have a question, you can leave it as a comment after an entry or you can email me directly at dearhoops@gmail.com.

And away we go again...