Okay kids, sorry for the hiatus but I’ve been busy shoveling out of this damn blizzard. Two feet of snow and 70 MPH winds knocked my power out and kept me from getting to some of the questions I’ve gotten in a timely manner, but I’ll get to them all. Here’s today’s question…
Dear Hoops,
I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years and we've been friends for nine. I've been around his family and friends for just as long and I seem to get along with everyone. However, his mother hates me. This isn't really me being paranoid...the woman seriously has issues. She has invited his brother's ex girlfriends to family events but I've never been invited once. I didn't even get a Christmas card from her. I've asked my boyfriend about it and he said that it's just how she is. Over New Years I got so upset about everything that I didn't even enjoy the holiday at home because I was so anxious about the way she felt about me. I felt like I was walking on egg shells.
She pretty much acknowledges me to the point of politeness but doesn't go beyond that. I don't really know how to approach the situation anymore. He hasn't been concerned about it and just realized recently how much it really bothers me...and it does, a lot. I feel so out of place and unwelcome when I go to her house that I actually get anxious...which probably makes me look like a total tool. I've tried telling him to talk to her about it but he seems to be avoiding it entirely. How do I handle the situation with her? I feel like I should say something, but at the same time, will she hate me more for being assertive? Do you have any advice for him on how to approach the situation? I'd hate for a rift to form between them but I really don't know how much longer I can stand feeling like I'm a huge disappointment.
~Not His Momma’s Girl
Dear Not,
This sounds like a pretty lousy situation to be in and I don’t envy you one bit. However, it also sounds like its something that’s been going on for a long time and you’ve been suffering silently for all that time. If you’ve been together for three years and you’re just now making your boyfriend aware of this issue, I have to wonder why you waited so long?
I also wonder about this idea you have that it’s somehow up to him to fix it? To be honest, if someone doesn’t like me, I usually just brush them off and chalk it up as their loss (because I am made entirely of awesomesauce and cool beans) but if—for some reason—I do care or am upset by the way someone treats me, I pull up my big boy pants and I confront them directly. And I don’t do it meekly. I certainly don’t put it on my S.O. (siggy other) to do it for me.
My advice to you is to take this problem by the balls and swing! Don’t make up an excuse, but the next time she makes you feel disrespected, tell her that you need to have a private word with her. When you have her alone, you need to stand up to her. This mother is being a bully and if you want to get anywhere in life, you have to learn how to stand up to bullies. What you have to understand is that YOU have the power and the leverage here—not her!
There is no more potent power in the known universe than the Power of Pussy! You have it. Unless he’s taking his personal Oedipal thing to the extreme, she does not. You need to explain to her that you feel belittled by her. You need to tell her that you feel it is disrespectful of you to invite his ex-girlfriends to family events without even bothering to ask you. Tell her you are tired of walking around on egg shells when she is around and that it hurt you that she didn’t think enough of you to add you to her Christmas card list.
Put it all out there and then let her respond. See what she says to those things. Maybe all she needs is for you to stand up to her. Some bullies are like that. You need only stand up to them and show them you aren’t afraid and as soon as you do, they stop bullying you.
If, however, she doesn’t back down, it’s time for Phase II and to use your Pussy Power. Remind her of a few things: You’ve been together for three years with her son and you’re not going anywhere. Tell her that you love him and that you know he loves you too. Tell her that you are done trying to please her and that you no longer care if she doesn’t like you but that if that’s the way she wants to play it that she should really think about what that might mean for the future.
It might mean that she’s alienating someone who might be her son’s wife and that if that comes to pass—you won’t be subjecting yourself to situations that make you feel uncomfortable, including spending holiday time with her. It may be something she holds over you now, but once her son has a family of his own, if you are a part of it, that may mean that she is the one who is left out in the cold.
It’s also worth reminding her that you may someday be the mother of her son’s children and that if she doesn’t have a strong, healthy relationship with you, it’ll mean that she will see her grandkids a lot less because again—you won’t subject yourself to being made to feel unwelcome or unwanted.
I don’t suggest you do all of this in a threatening manner. Do it calmly. Let her know that you’re done jumping through hoops (no pun intended) for her and that if you’re not welcome and respected by her, that’s fine; but soon enough times and circumstances will change and if she can’t treat you with kindness now, you’ll remember that in the future.
I’d also give your boyfriend this little talk and I’d give it to him first. Plant the seed. Do not ask him to talk to her. Do not expect him to talk to her. Just let him know that you have reached your breaking point with his mother. Let him know that you have every intention of confronting her the next time she is rude or inconsiderate of you. Let him know that if that confrontation doesn’t yield the results you desire, that you’ll be cutting ties with his mother. Let him know that unless she starts making an effort to accept and embrace you that your efforts to be accepting and embracing of her are over.
Explain to him that means having to choose between his mother and his girlfriend often—every holiday, every birthday. Explain to him that every time he chooses his mother over you, it’s going to cause a fight between himself and you. Explain to him that YOU have tried to stop this from happening but that she has not done the same. Don’t ask him to do anything about it—but make him aware of the level things have reached and the consequences of inaction.
I don’t think you can be mad at him though—not yet. It sucks that he hasn’t even noticed all of these problems, but by your own admission, he only recently has been made to understand the gravity of the situation.
**IMPORTANT POINT FOR ALL THE LADIES** You can only hold him accountable for something from the moment he becomes aware it’s an issue and is made aware of just how serious the issue is to you! I know you WANT him to just know when you’re hurting and be able to discern the cause of your pain and vanquish it, but that’s the fairy tale, not the reality. Men can be oblivious. If you don’t specifically make them aware of a problem and how serious that problem is you can’t hold them accountable for it. If the situation were reversed, he would come out and say something immediately. He won’t understand your way of handling things and if you’re not a squeaking wheel, he may never know that you need to be greased.****
Ideally, when you truly lay it on the line to him, your man will step up on his own. He’ll hear you when you say to him that if she doesn’t fix her shit quickly, his mother isn’t going to see a lot of her grandkids, that she isn’t going to get to see him on holidays and birthdays, that she won’t be welcome in your home. If he’s a man, he’ll go fix these problems. HE will lay down the law to her. And she’ll at least have a chance to make an effort. If he doesn’t, it’ll be his own damn fault when you put your foot down the next time there’s an issue.
This isn’t an ultimatum. Remember, you’re not ASKING (or telling) him to do anything. You’re just laying it all out for him so that he understands that you are at your boiling point and that you will not stand for any more disrespect from her. If he chooses inaction, then he’ll be complicit in whatever problems occur from this point forward. You’re handing him a rope and a roll of duct tape, he can choose to hang himself or fix things.
My final word on the matter is to let you know that there is some risk in all of this but that the risk is worth it. Look, if he’s too much of a momma’s boy to stand up to her, as much as it may suck, it’s better to find that out now than later. A bad MIL/DIL relationship has ruined MANY a marriage. There comes a point when a man must become a man and stop being his mother’s little boy. Some men never make it there. Some men let their mother’s control them for their entire life. You do NOT want to spend your life with a man who makes you the second most important woman in his life. YOU DO NOT. No matter how much you love him, no matter how perfect he is for you, if he can’t make this transition to making you the most important woman in his life then your relationship will NEVER work out in the end.
The mother-son bond is an important one and a beautiful one and he need not ever love her any less than he does right now. What he needs to do is make room in his heart to love you in deeper ways. There has to be a transfer of roles where you become his first confidant, his first thought, his first priority and as such, it’ll be your responsibility to show your gratitude to her for all she has done in creating this man you love by deflecting as much confidence, thoughts and priority to her.
Hopefully this works out for you. If it doesn’t though, you can be confident in the fact that you’ve done the right thing. To allow this to continue, to suffer silently, to walk on egg shells is only to prolong the inevitable and that inevitable is the end of your relationship. If nothing changes, it can happen now, before kids, before marriage, before you’re “stuck,” or it can happen after. It’ll hurt either way, but it’ll hurt less and be less messy now than it will later.
Good luck,
hoops
