The Three Day Rule

Dear Hoops,

This guy and I met online on a dating site. We emailed back and forth for a few weeks, not super consistently. Finally I gave him my # and said I was going out that night if he wanted to meet up. He text me and we ended up hanging out at his house (outside as I made it clear no sex). We decided to have a make out session but first we talked for like two hours straight. He told me about his family, his job, his past girlfriend. We got along really well. He was super sweet about the kissing, never tried to feel me up or anything, didn't cram his tongue down my throat or anything.

He walked me to my car when I left and kissed me goodbye. I text him a hey the next day and jokingly said so when's round two. He said I'm not sure but I will totally let you know.  The make out happened Friday, I text him Sat. afternoon. Then Monday I emailed him (didn't save his #) and asked if he wanted to go have drinks Wed. No reply. Why the blow off? One friend said I was a failed booty call another says maybe he is in to me but doesn't want to treat me like a booty call so he might be exploring other options. I have no clue but have decided not to contact him

What gives?

Signed,

Utterly Confused

Dear Confused,

Take a deep breath.  In.  Out.  In.  Out.  In.  Out. (I have to stop this I’m getting horny).  You need to chill the fuck out.  You kissed on Friday.  You sent him a text the very next day which he replied to indicating he would get in touch with you—that he was unsure, but that he’d let you know.  You went through Sunday without hearing from him and by Monday you chose to email him asking him out for drinks.

What’s the view like from his upper intestines?

Look, I’m not a big believer in the 3-day rule for everyone, but some people really need to take it to heart.  You might be one of those people.  Let me put a hypothetical scenario out there for you:

This guy meets up with a girl he met online.  They have a good time.  She’s insistent that nothing sexual is going to happen, but they have a nice time making out and talking.  She leaves and after the makeout session he’s a bit worked up.  He jerks off and goes to bed thinking that the girl was nice, he was attracted to her and might be interested in going out again.  His only problem with her was a) that she seemed a little needy or b) that she was a little pushy, but then again, that might have just been first date nerves or whatever.  He had plans the next few days but he figures he’ll give her a call on Sunday or Monday and ask her out again.

The next day—the VERY NEXT DAY—he gets a text from her asking him out again.  Wow.  Huh.  This really just kind of reinforces his thoughts that she may be a) needy or b) pushy.  His last girlfriend was needy/pushy and he’s not sure he wants to go through that again.  He texts back saying that he’s not sure when he can get together but he’ll let her know.  Surely, she’ll back off a bit now and he can get back to her later in the week now, maybe Wednesday or Thursday.

No such luck.  She emails on Monday.  Really?  Yes.  Really.  This just confirms in his mind that this girl is too needy/pushy.  He can’t deal with a girl who a) is that needy or b) can’t let him be the man and actually ask her out instead of always pushing the issue.  “Fuck it!” he says and chooses not to reply.

That’s how I see this having played out.  I think it was fine that you took initiative and asked him out in the first place, but to have followed up so quickly after the date and asked him when the next date was going to happen gives off a stink of desperation.  When a girl comes off as desperate a guy starts wondering what he might be missing that would make her so desperate?  Suddenly, everything she did and said is magnified and he reads signs that may not have been there an before she knows it, he’s no longer interested.

A man likes to feel like a man and part of that is being the hunter.  I think most men are okay—even happy—to be asked out on a date by a woman, but after that first date, she’s got to give him some space to man up and do some pursuing of his own.  You’ve essentially given him all the power in this relationship after one date, a text and an email.  He knows he’s got you.  You aren’t a challenge of any kind for him.  Sure, he may have to wait a week or two before he gets you horizontal, but he can put that time in with no problem.  You are a fish in a barrel.

What you should have done is made that first text something like, “Thanks for a great night!  I really had a great time!”  Then you should have left it alone.  You asked him on the first date.  Being the one to broach the subject of date number two first was a big mistake and doing so SOOOOO soon and not giving him a chance to do it first was even bigger.  I’m not going to lie to you.  It all goes into that first impression and may have even ruined it.

My advice to you is this:  Wait a few days.  Don’t contact him again until after this weekend.  When you do contact him, do it in a brief email.  Say something like:  Hey, it’s Sunday night and I just realized I hadn’t heard from you after my last email.  Then I realized that I actually texted you the day after our date and then emailed you the day after that and wow…pushy much?  (go with pushy over needy here.  You can do a spin job on pushy to make it an admirable quality, needy is only good for someone with a hero complex) Sorry about that.  I’m just one of those “planner” people and didn’t even realize I was being “that girl” when I sent it.  Anyway, I had a good time last weekend.  I hope you did too!  Then close with an inside joke that has nothing to do with anything.  Use something he said on the date—something he tried to be funny about.  Don’t ask him out.  Don’t bring up another date.  Don’t even hint at it.  The purpose of this email is to let him know that you haven’t thought about him since you sent the email and that when you did think about him and wonder about why he hadn’t replied, you immediately realized that you had been “pushy,” and that you’re sorry for that. 

I can’t promise it’ll work.  He may be frightened away.  He may see enough in what you’ve shown him to remind him of the worst qualities of an ex who he’s not eager to revisit in the form of a new girl with the same issues.  You may have to chalk this one up to a lesson learned the hard way.  Then again…this guy took forever to go out with you the first time.  It took you inviting him out last minute to get him off his ass.  Maybe he’s just really busy in his life right now?  Maybe all you need to do is wait?  Who knows?

One thing is for sure:  The first impression on a date doesn’t end with the goodnight kiss.  What you do in terms of calls/texts/emails/FB posts over the next few days is part of that impression and very important.  What you do can either reinforce or ease any doubts your date had about you.  Specifically, don’t be needy.  Don’t be over-eager.  Be cool.  Be kind.  Be chill.

I hope it all works out for you!

-hoops     

Marijuana, Condoms and Cum, Oh My!

Dear Hoops,

I actually have two questions for you, Hoops. Both come with a little backstory. 

The first, I believe is the least important of the two. My boyfriend has picked up this weird habit. We've used condoms for our entire relationship and they have not failed us. No babies! (Yay!) However, just recently he has stopped finishing in me (always with protection!) whereas he had ever had any issues with it before. I wondered if you could give me some insight on why a guy would do this. The only thing I could figure is that something triggered his baby paranoia and just wants to make absolutely sure there's no pregnancy (and I'm all about that). What he has taken to do is pulling out and finishing himself. I'd like to tell him that he doesn't have to do that...that I could give him other options. I know guys have a fondness for cumming on things. Haha. I'm not sure how to bring that up though. 



The second question...is a little more complicated. I do not take drugs, I do not smoke drugs...I do not enjoy being around drugs. They could cost people their jobs, their freedom...and even their families. I have seen this happen. That being said, my boyfriend USED to be the same way...growing up until about two months ago. Two months ago he started spending a lot more time with his brother and his brother found some sort of *legal weed* and subsequently started using it regularly.

His brother has also started delving into much harder drugs. My concern is that my boyfriend will follow this same path and I will end up having to leave him. One of the reasons I'm with him was because he did not do drugs. Marijuana doesn't bother me to the extent that I can't deal with it...I just refuse to. I've seen what it can do to people if they start using it everyday.

He was honest about it when it first got the stuff and I expressed my concerns then, but I think it's time to put it out their a little more seriously...without giving him an ultimatum right now. Ultimatums don't work anyway. He has taken to hiding it from me but I know he is still doing it because he keeps it in one of the night stand drawers and it will disappear for a bit and then he will put it back. I don't go through his things…that's just the drawer I keep my books in when I read before I go to sleep. (Just wanted to make that clear...I'm not being a crazy girlfriend. haha) Could you give me some advice on this? 

I'm not sure I really put questions in there, and I don't believe the last one counts! 



Sincerely,

Likes my Eggs Unfertilized

Dear Eggs,

It occurs to me that the answer to both of your questions is a simple one and the same for each.  Talk to him.  At the end of the day though, that’s my advice for everything, isn’t it?  So, I suppose you want something a little more in-depth?  Okay, fine.  I was really hoping to enjoy a nice Casmir Pulaski Day on the couch relaxing, but if you must press me into service, then serve I shall!

There could be a number of reasons why your boy is finishing outside the old vag and if condoms have always been successful, then I doubt that’s the reason—unless he’s worried you might poke holes or otherwise sabotage things in an effort to get his swimmers in your Fallopian tubes (I’m sorry, but fallopian is just one of my favorite words.  Say it out loud.  Fallopian!  It’s fun to say isn’t it?  We just don’t use the word Fallopian enough for my liking!). 

Where was I?  Oh.  Yes.  Condoms and cumming.  So:  You’re getting plowed either way, but with the condoms on he could be experiencing decreased sensitivity and because of that he might not be “getting there” inside you.  He may be finishing outside you because with his hand he’s able to cause more friction, finally getting himself on the quick train home.  Anyway, THAT would be my number one guess.  I’d be surprised if it had anything to do with babies, unless he has a friend who wound up with a broken condom baby.

Now, as for the other options that exist for him coming to climax outside of the bat cave, I think that sounds like a great idea—especially if it does come down to a sensitivity issue for him.  My advice to you is to take charge!  When he pulls out and starts jackhammering himself, GRAB THAT COCK!!  Say, “MINE!”  Then you do your voodoo that you do on his hee-hoo!  And when it comes to where he actually sends the seed…well, if you’ve got a hold of the hose, you get to aim it don’t you?  So take one in the face!  Or, take one on the boobs!  Pick the spot where YOU want to be painted and let it rip!  You’ll see if he likes that or not.  You’ll probably get to talk about it too because what better time to talk about whether or not he likes cumming on you than when his sticky white seed is dripping from your eyelashes, right?

Either way, the best way to handle all of this is to talk about it.  If you do it post-coitus after you’ve taken my advice, I think his guard will be down and he’ll be open to discussing everything.  Maybe a new brand of condom will help?  Maybe he needs to jerk it because where he really wants to cum in on your ass?  You’ll never know unless you ask him!

As for the next issue, my first piece of advice is that you not talk about both problems with him at the same time, like you did with me.  It’s okay to ask me about both issues, but you can’t talk to a guy about two issues you have at once or he’ll feel like you have a whole checklist of things about him you need to fix and he’ll obviously take offense to that.

This one definitely requires a conversation though.  I think you should lay it out for him the same way you did for me.  Tell him that you’re not a fan of drugs, even the herb.  Tell him that even though you’re not a fan of it that you understand if he wants to smoke a little Mary Jane, BUT that if it’s something he feels the need to hide from you—then THAT is a problem.  Tell him that if he’s just smoking up casually and not too often it really shouldn’t be something he feels a need to hide.  The only way he should feel like he needs to hide it from you is if he’s doing it too much and if that’s the case then he has a problem.

You’re right about drugs ruining lives.  Even marijuana ruins lives if it becomes an addiction.  If he is lying to you about his usage or hiding it from you, it’s the first step down a steep and slippery slope.  Be careful.  Protect yourself and your heart and if he chooses the drugs over you, then you don’t owe him anything—especially sticking around.  And not for nothing—prolonged use of marijuana has sexual side effects, including decreased sensitivity and difficulty climaxing for some men.

When you enter into a relationship with someone the first stage is the puppy love stage.  When you get past that, you get into the deeper get-to-know-you-stage.  Once you’ve passed through that into the comfort zone you have a pretty good idea of who you’re with and you continue dating them because you like the person you got to know.  However, at this point, if your siggy other makes some kind of huge change in their life you really have to reassess that person.  You can’t just keep accepting things you don’t approve of on a core level. 

The policy of appeasement didn’t work out well for Europe when Hitler was in his formative super-villain and it won’t work for you either.  When your previously drug-free boyfriend all-of-the-sudden takes up pot smoking as a hobby that’s a red light.  When he starts spending more time with his hard-drug-using brother that’s an alarm siren going off.  This is a time when you need to step back.  This is a new person.  This is not the person you fell in love with.  This is a new guy.

Your first priority is to YOURSELF.  Habitual drug use leads to bigger problems and you’ll be right in the middle of them.  If he chooses drugs over you, then you walk away.  This doesn’t mean you have to walk away completely.  You can stay by his side and try to help him through as a friend, but you do not put all your eggs in the basket of an addict.  Some people don’t ever come back from addiction.  You don’t have to stop loving him.  You have to stop being in love with him until he proves, once again, to be the kind of man who you fell in love with in the first place.

[Aside:  Before any of you herb heads tell me that marijuana isn’t addictive, do your homework.  Addiction doesn’t always depend on the substance being chemically addictive.  There are people who are addicted to caffeine, exercising, eating—it can be a psychological issue that has nothing to do with the substance itself.]

At the end of the day, it sounds like this is pretty early on right now in your case.  No need to jump ship just yet.  There IS a need to sit his ass down and talk to him though.  You’ve told him that you don’t mind him smoking up a bit.  If he’s doing it so much that he needs to hide it from you then that’s an issue.  That means he’s doing it more than he knows you’d be okay with and that is the same as lying about it.  Address it now.  Get it fixed.  Right now is your opportunity to save your relationship.  A week from now, a month from now, it might be too late because if he starts doing the harder stuff, like his brother, then you need to get your ass out of there and find a new man to cum on you! (by the way, I’m drug free!)

Good luck with both issues!  Stop by and let me know how they go!

-hoops