After a nice little break while I polished off all the Thanksgiving leftovers, Dear Hoops is back with some new advice. I’d imagine that at some point, we’ve all run into a significant other like this…
Dear Hoops,
How do you deal with a man who constantly corrects people? I'm talking the kind of dude who interrupts you to tell you that you're using a word wrong, or that dolphins are, in fact, mammals, and not fish. His intentions are honorable, I suppose. He doesn't want to promote ignorance, so if you're wrong, he feels he has a duty to tell you. My opinion is that, unless you're in school or a professional environment, you should just let it go. Sure, I don't want to sound dumb if I'm using a word incorrectly, but he does it to friends, family, and even strangers. To be honest, he comes off as elitist and hypercritical more often than not. I'm actually afraid to introduce him to my family… what if he corrects my grandma on her use of colloquialisms? I don't think she, or anyone, will take kindly to being told they're making themselves sound stupid. I love him, but quite frankly, I don't see the big deal. And I really don't want to have to worry about dangling my participles in casual company!! Is this petty, or am I perpetuating the butchering of the English language?
Signed,
Constantly Corrected
Dear Constantly,
It’s a tough situation when you’re dating an insufferable know-it-all. You see past it because you know that he’s not really trying to be an ass, but the end result is that he’s being an ass! You accept him as he is for yourself and I think that’s a pretty noble thing to do. However, I also understand your concern regarding granny, the P’s and Uncle Rufus, all of whom may not like being corrected over every little thing they say.
If I was you, I’d use the old sandwich method here. The sandwich method is the best way to criticize or correct someone because it allows you to do it without hurting them or putting them on the defensive. It works like this: The correction is the meat and cheese of the sandwich, so it goes in the middle. You put it in between the bread which you make compliments. In this instance, it might go something like this--
You know I love your intelligence, it’s one of the things about you that really attracts me to you. It’s like you know a little bit about everything and I know you’re always someone I can come to for answers. I’m just worried though. I really want to introduce you to my family but I’m afraid because sometimes people react badly when you correct them and I’m worried my family might. I’ve seen the way some of our friends react to you when you correct them and I just don’t want to be my family’s first impression of you. I love your brain. I think it makes you so much more sexy. And I’m really excited about us, and our long-term potential, so this is really important to me. I know you don’t mean to intimidate people when you correct them, but no one likes to feel stupid and I just want them to see you the way I do, a brilliant, amazing man.
You start with a compliment to keep him off the defensive and leave him receptive to what it is you have to say. Then you get to the meat of things and lay it out in a way that doesn’t threaten him. Finally, you sum it up and close with a compliment and the result is that you get your message across without him feeling attacked. In fact, he may come away not even realizing you’re correcting his behavior at all.
At the end of the day though, you need to realize that he is who he is and that’s probably not going to change. At some point, he’s probably going to tell granny that actually, it was the war, not FDR’s reform that brought about the end of the Great Depression and she’s going to go off on him because she lived through it. That’s how it goes with people like that. You have to decide if it’s worth it to date a guy who is going to alienate your friends, your family, your co-workers and anyone else you may introduce him to over the years.
This may be a good test. Maybe he doesn’t realize that he’s alienating people. Maybe this will be a turning point for him. Maybe, if you handle it properly this can be a good thing and the start of positive change. If it’s not though, you need to take a step back and look at the path you’re on and think about whether or not it’s truly worth it? You need to realize that when he alienates your family, he alienates them from you as well. It’s the same with your friends and everyone else in your life. No guy is worth trading away all those who love you. You also have to be careful because some guys do this on purpose. They break you away from your support system, get you isolated and alone and then they start abusing and taking advantage of you. Now there’s nothing to indicate that’s the case here, but I want you to understand that this isn’t just some minor thing.
Hopefully he takes the correction sandwich and things get better, but make no mistake, if you offer him this road to peaceful relations with your friends and family and he doesn’t take them, or doesn’t even make an effort to do so, then he’s basically telling you that this is the way it is and it will never change—and you deserve better than always having to apologize to your friends and family because your man can’t reign in his ego.
Good luck!
-hoops
