He Just Might Be That Into You!

Dear hoops,

I'm absolutely crazy about a friend and co-worker of mine. He and I talk daily - both at work and at home - and we talk not just about surface stuff, who we are and why we are that way. He stands close to me, touches my back, shoulder or arm constantly. He smiles and winks at me from across the room. He remembers things I told him. Yesterday during lunch he offered a story I told him about when I was growing up. We're very much alike, with one glaring exception: He's very logical, while I am more emotional.

I'm frustrated because I can't tell if this man likes me. Is that whole "He's not that into you" philosophy real?

-Self-help Sweetheart

Dear Sweetheart,

You have to beware of any book that claims to have all the answers, and books like, “He’s Just Not That In To You,” is one of those books.  The authors (I’d hope) know that no set of advice or principles is universal, but in order to sell copies of their books, they do have to make it seem that way.  As someone who has been writing an advice column for half a decade now, I can tell you with absolute certainty that every leak is different and there is no such thing as a universal plug to stop your ship from sinking.

When you approach a book like that one, or a column like this one, you have to take into account a few things.  First, you can’t possibly apply a piece of advice to ALL situations.  Some of the most common complaints I get are from people who have SIMILAR, but obviously not EXACT issues to someone asking a question.  When I give my advice to the person asking the question, based on the facts they give me and it doesn’t fit in with someone who has a similar, but different situation, I often get jumped on and yelled at about how amazingly wrong I am. 

My longwinded point is that sure, the advice given to women in the Not That Into You book is obviously something that has resonated with a LOT of women.  Many of you were able to read what they said and saw patterns in your own life that matched and applied.  And that’s the key with that book—it’s good for understanding and dealing with your own behavioral PATTERNS.  It is not (and I haven’t read it though I am familiar with the subject matter) supposed to be a universal plug.  You can’t and shouldn’t apply it to every man.  The advice in that book is for YOU to make changes in yourself and how you perceive the men in your life in terms of their feelings for you.  It is NOT a step-by-step guide for dealing with every man in every situation and if it purports to be then that’s sad.

So, don’t view your current situation as a specific, individual, He’s Just Not That Into You situation.  If you have a pattern of behavior they can help you fix it, but it is a mistake for any woman to apply it universally.  If they did, shy men would never get dates.  A man who places you on a pedestal and gets amazingly nervous around you and struggles getting up the confidence to ask you out will always be dismissed.  Those men are out there.  In a lot of cases, they wind up making great boyfriends and husbands—but you ladies have to be patient for them.

So, if you have a pattern of dating men who “just aren’t that into you,” that’s fine, avoid those situations and break that pattern.  If that’s not a pattern in your life though, it’s okay to give a guy a break and some space and let him work up the courage to ask you out and take the next steps. 

You’re very astute in understanding the polar opposite personality types you have.  He is very logical.  You are very emotional.  That’s okay!  You may bring each other much needed balance.  You may bring excitement to his life.  He may bring stability to yours.  However, you have to understand that there are certain to be issues between those two personality types too.  Communication may not always be easy—you’ll have to work at it and so will he. 

Part of the communication process is the non-verbal communications that two people share.  In his opposite mind, he may think he’s put himself out there time and time again and you’ve ignored his signals.  He may be just as frustrated as you are right now.  I can’t promise this is the case, but if you think about it and think about how truly opposite your brains work, there’s a good chance of it given all the other signs of affection and caring you mentioned.

My advice to you is to take it beyond the subtle.  Be direct.  Ask him on a date.  Don’t insinuate anything.  Say:  “Would you like to go on a date with me?”  Leave no room for interpretation.  Leave no room for his logical brain to analyze the situation and conclude that what you really mean is, “If your Outlook Calendar shows that you have some free time, perhaps you and I could share a completely platonic meal and discuss current events in a non-romantic way.”  Use the word date.  Be specific.  Be bold.

The obvious reason not to is the classic, “but I don’t want to ruin the friendship if he doesn’t think of me in that way!”  To that, I say:  BULLSHIT!

Let me tell you how that one plays out.  If one person has feelings for another that go beyond friendship and the other person does not return them, the friendship, in 9 out of 10 cases is doomed.  Period.  It’s too hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for as more than a friend.  If you continue on this way and find out that he took someone else out on Valentine’s Day, you will resent him for it.  In other words, the feelings you have already have set in motion a series of possible outcomes and the percentage of the chance of you going back to being “just friends” is a very, very slim one. 

Your best bet is to put it out there and take a chance on getting what you truly want.  Even if you don’t, at least you won’t have to wonder, at least you won’t live the regret of not taking a shot and you won’t waste weeks-months-years of your life hoping for something that may never occur.

The entire He’s Just Not That Into You craze is a product of people being afraid to be direct, to ask for what they want, to put their heart out on the line.  It happens to men and to women, alike.  The heart is not a fragile organ.  It is meant to survive hurt and pain.  Your heart needs you to care for it, be considerate of it, but it does not need your protection.  The heart is a sponge, not a fortress; feed it, don’t protect it.

Put your cards on the table.  Good luck.  I hope it works out for you.

-hoops 

Being Cut Out Of A Friend's Life--Then Pulled Back In

Dear hoops, 


About a year ago, a good friend of mine cut me out of her life without explanation. I've never been able to figure out why. I was hurt and annoyed for a while, but I got over it and moved on. We still run in to each other at parties held by mutual friends, but it's as though I don't exist to her.



Then yesterday she emailed me asking for help because she got fired from her job for a bogus, made-up reason, but she can't afford a lawyer and she needs legal advice. I work in employment law.
 I would be happy to help out a friend for free...in fact, I often do. But after a year of silence, do I owe her anything? I believe in forgiveness, I just hate being used.



-Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

You don’t even owe her a return email.  If she cut you out of her life, than you are not a part of her life and as a nonentity in the life that is hers, you don’t really even exist and if you don’t exist then you can’t return an email or give her free legal advice.  If you were an actual person, someone she said hello to at parties, someone she called once in a while, someone who had sent an email to you asking how you were, or even forwarded a joke to you—then the bonds of friendship might compel you to feel obligated to do whatever you can to help her, but you don’t exist.  You are not real.  You are Santa Clause’s long lost daughter.  You are the Easter Bunny’s slutty girlfriend.  You are the Tooth Fairy’s sister’s friend’s cousin on her father’s side once removed.

As such, you don’t owe her a damn thing.  You are perfectly entitled to treat her email like a letter to Santa or a prayer to Cthulhu and file it away in your file of cute things the blissfully ignorant do.

If it was me though, I’d take this opportunity to get some closure—or at least make her kiss your ass a little bit!  Allow me:

Dear [Fucknut],

Wow.  I’m really surprised to hear from you.  When you cut me out of your life a year ago without any explanation, I really figured that was it between us.  Even with your current situation, I wouldn’t have imagined you’d call on me.  I assumed that whatever you felt I did to you to warrant being totally cut off without explanation would have been enough to keep you from contacting me for just about anything.

I’m not going to lie to you, there’s a part of me that feels for you and wants to help you.  That’s the part of me that never stopped being your friend, even if you didn’t want to be mine, I guess.  There’s also a part of me that feels really cheap.  I’m not good enough to be your friend anymore, but apparently I am good enough to help you when you need it?  I’m conflicted.

I’m getting by just fine without your friendship.  I’m not looking to get it back.  Someone who would bail on me without even letting me know why isn’t really someone I want to surround myself with to be honest.  I do feel like you owe me an honest explanation before I even consider your request though. 

Tell me the truth about why you cut me out of your life.  No bullshit.  No lies.  No ass-kissing.  You don’t just go from being friends like we were to being nothing without there being a reason.  You owe me that much.  And after you give me that small courtesy—one you should have given me a long time ago—I’ll seriously consider your request for my help.  I’ll be straight with you that I’m leaning toward helping you out.  Don’t fuck it up by patronizing me or lying about why we aren’t friends anymore.  Respect me enough to tell me the truth.  Show me the respect you didn’t bother to show me a year ago when you cut me out of your life.  Do that much and I’ll do my best to respect the fact that we were once friends and a part of me still doesn’t want to see you hurt.

-Conflicted

That’s what I’d say.  Hell, you can copy and paste it word for word if you like.  From there I’d honor what you say.  I’d wait for her reply.  If it’s wishy-washy or ass-kissing, if she denies cutting you out of her life and says something like you just drifted apart but she’s always considered you to still be one of her very best friends, I’d reply to her and let her know that you can’t help her out other than to maybe recommend another source for free legal advice—if you know of one.

If she does respect you enough to give you an actual reason, even if you don’t like it, then I’d probably help her out.  I wouldn’t go full tilt the way I would for a real friend of mine.  For my real friend’s I’d crawl to the corners of the Earth.  Even if she does come clean to you, she’s still no better than an acquaintance to you now.  She’s like a friend of a friend.  I’d offer help accordingly.  I’d help a friend of a friend, but I’d do it on my terms, at my pace, in my free time and I wouldn’t let it interfere with anything else important I had going on in my life.

There are benefits that come with being friends with someone.  When you stop being that person’s friend, you give up those benefits.  To come back and expect them after you cut someone out of your life is ballsy.  She’s certainly using you.  She’s trying to get one of the benefits of your friendship back even though she hasn’t given you the kind of friendship that earns that privilege.  So, acknowledge that fact.  Let her use you, in trade for what you want from her—closure.  It may infuriate you to hear why she chose to dump you.  It likely will.  You don’t just cut someone out of your life for nothing, but at least you’ll know. 

Regardless of what happens, I don’t suggest using this as a means to any kind of reconciliation between the two of you.  No matter what her reason might be, if you accept it as truth, I’d stay away from her after either helping or not helping.  No matter what her reason a true friend owes you an explanation.  Not giving you one was a sign of total disrespect.  Any offering of an olive branch on her part now can’t be taken seriously.  It may very well be—and likely is—a means to an end, with that end being your help. 

IF, when all is said and done, you do find yourself wanting to reconcile with her and be friends again—if she does suggest that and ask for it, I advise you to give her a very simple test.  Once you’re done helping her, tell her if she’s truly serious about being friends again that she should wait two months to give you some space and then she should call you so you can get together.  My bet is that once she’s free and clear you won’t get that call.  But…if, after two months of not needing your help, she does call?  Well...that’s up to you.  Give her a shot if you want, but remember the old adage:  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

Good luck.

-hoops