He Just Might Be That Into You!

Dear hoops,

I'm absolutely crazy about a friend and co-worker of mine. He and I talk daily - both at work and at home - and we talk not just about surface stuff, who we are and why we are that way. He stands close to me, touches my back, shoulder or arm constantly. He smiles and winks at me from across the room. He remembers things I told him. Yesterday during lunch he offered a story I told him about when I was growing up. We're very much alike, with one glaring exception: He's very logical, while I am more emotional.

I'm frustrated because I can't tell if this man likes me. Is that whole "He's not that into you" philosophy real?

-Self-help Sweetheart

Dear Sweetheart,

You have to beware of any book that claims to have all the answers, and books like, “He’s Just Not That In To You,” is one of those books.  The authors (I’d hope) know that no set of advice or principles is universal, but in order to sell copies of their books, they do have to make it seem that way.  As someone who has been writing an advice column for half a decade now, I can tell you with absolute certainty that every leak is different and there is no such thing as a universal plug to stop your ship from sinking.

When you approach a book like that one, or a column like this one, you have to take into account a few things.  First, you can’t possibly apply a piece of advice to ALL situations.  Some of the most common complaints I get are from people who have SIMILAR, but obviously not EXACT issues to someone asking a question.  When I give my advice to the person asking the question, based on the facts they give me and it doesn’t fit in with someone who has a similar, but different situation, I often get jumped on and yelled at about how amazingly wrong I am. 

My longwinded point is that sure, the advice given to women in the Not That Into You book is obviously something that has resonated with a LOT of women.  Many of you were able to read what they said and saw patterns in your own life that matched and applied.  And that’s the key with that book—it’s good for understanding and dealing with your own behavioral PATTERNS.  It is not (and I haven’t read it though I am familiar with the subject matter) supposed to be a universal plug.  You can’t and shouldn’t apply it to every man.  The advice in that book is for YOU to make changes in yourself and how you perceive the men in your life in terms of their feelings for you.  It is NOT a step-by-step guide for dealing with every man in every situation and if it purports to be then that’s sad.

So, don’t view your current situation as a specific, individual, He’s Just Not That Into You situation.  If you have a pattern of behavior they can help you fix it, but it is a mistake for any woman to apply it universally.  If they did, shy men would never get dates.  A man who places you on a pedestal and gets amazingly nervous around you and struggles getting up the confidence to ask you out will always be dismissed.  Those men are out there.  In a lot of cases, they wind up making great boyfriends and husbands—but you ladies have to be patient for them.

So, if you have a pattern of dating men who “just aren’t that into you,” that’s fine, avoid those situations and break that pattern.  If that’s not a pattern in your life though, it’s okay to give a guy a break and some space and let him work up the courage to ask you out and take the next steps. 

You’re very astute in understanding the polar opposite personality types you have.  He is very logical.  You are very emotional.  That’s okay!  You may bring each other much needed balance.  You may bring excitement to his life.  He may bring stability to yours.  However, you have to understand that there are certain to be issues between those two personality types too.  Communication may not always be easy—you’ll have to work at it and so will he. 

Part of the communication process is the non-verbal communications that two people share.  In his opposite mind, he may think he’s put himself out there time and time again and you’ve ignored his signals.  He may be just as frustrated as you are right now.  I can’t promise this is the case, but if you think about it and think about how truly opposite your brains work, there’s a good chance of it given all the other signs of affection and caring you mentioned.

My advice to you is to take it beyond the subtle.  Be direct.  Ask him on a date.  Don’t insinuate anything.  Say:  “Would you like to go on a date with me?”  Leave no room for interpretation.  Leave no room for his logical brain to analyze the situation and conclude that what you really mean is, “If your Outlook Calendar shows that you have some free time, perhaps you and I could share a completely platonic meal and discuss current events in a non-romantic way.”  Use the word date.  Be specific.  Be bold.

The obvious reason not to is the classic, “but I don’t want to ruin the friendship if he doesn’t think of me in that way!”  To that, I say:  BULLSHIT!

Let me tell you how that one plays out.  If one person has feelings for another that go beyond friendship and the other person does not return them, the friendship, in 9 out of 10 cases is doomed.  Period.  It’s too hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for as more than a friend.  If you continue on this way and find out that he took someone else out on Valentine’s Day, you will resent him for it.  In other words, the feelings you have already have set in motion a series of possible outcomes and the percentage of the chance of you going back to being “just friends” is a very, very slim one. 

Your best bet is to put it out there and take a chance on getting what you truly want.  Even if you don’t, at least you won’t have to wonder, at least you won’t live the regret of not taking a shot and you won’t waste weeks-months-years of your life hoping for something that may never occur.

The entire He’s Just Not That Into You craze is a product of people being afraid to be direct, to ask for what they want, to put their heart out on the line.  It happens to men and to women, alike.  The heart is not a fragile organ.  It is meant to survive hurt and pain.  Your heart needs you to care for it, be considerate of it, but it does not need your protection.  The heart is a sponge, not a fortress; feed it, don’t protect it.

Put your cards on the table.  Good luck.  I hope it works out for you.

-hoops