A Nurse's Dilema

Sorry it’s been so long folks, but Dear Hoops is back and I have a few questions to answer over the next few days so stay tuned and keep those questions coming in to dearhoops@gmail.com

Dear hoops.

My dilemma is this: I am a registered nurse, married to a professional man. Up until now he has had a decent paying, stable, full-time job. He has decided to leave his job, due to the fact that he HATES it, and work in retail part time while going back to uni. I fully support him in this decision, as I worried about his mental health on a regular basis because he used to feel so down and upset.

However, we are financially struggling. I went from working a full-time job earning ok money, to working 80-100 hour weeks to make ends meet. We were planning on starting a family later this year, too, which will go on hold, for 4 years or so just because we can’t afford for me to not work. So, as a desperate measure, I’m thinking of joining the defense force…

The money I would earn would be more than enough to live on while my hubby is at uni, and I can go back to working normal hours at normal times of the day. We would have full health benefits, and maternity leave if needed. The work will be different, and challenging in a whole new level. However, this is not really a career move that I would ordinarily take if hubby had stayed in his stable work. My religion is not supportive of the move however, I personally have no objections to working in this field, and admire those who do defend our country. Hubby will support me in whatever I feel is right.

I feel like I’m talking myself into this for the wrong reason (money, stability), rather than joining for the right reasons (patriotism). I feel like this is a cop-out to dodge or escape hard work and responsibility, while degrading the people who work so hard protecting and serving our country. But I’m not sure how long I can go working the hours I am and get what I want out of life too. Help me get perspective, hoops. Am I doing the right thing for the wrong reason, the wrong thing for the right reason, or just simply, doing what I can to get by…

-Nurse’s Dilema

Helloooooo Nurse!

You know when times get tough it’s more important than ever to open ourselves up and see things from every angle available to us.  Unfortunately, the more stress we’re under, the harder things are for us, the more we seem to get tunnel vision.  We go from having the entire world open to us to walking down a very narrow tunnel with only one way out. 

That’s just an illusion though.  It’s a very rare thing in life to find yourself with only one option.  I certainly don’t think that’s the case here.  I think the telling part of your letter to me is when you say that you fear you’re talking yourself into this decision and that’s usually a bad sign.  That sounds like rationalizations and such.  That’s not good. 

My advice to you is pretty simple.  I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t choose to sign up for the defense force, what I am saying is that you should explore other options and approach it like the defense force isn’t an option.  All too often when searching for a solution to a problem we stop when we find * a * solution that seemingly addresses all the issues involved.  However, finding a solution doesn’t preclude there from being other solutions that can address them as well.

A few things that register for me here are that you’re the one expected to make all the sacrifices here.  Why can’t your husband find a full time job and go to school part time?  Or, why can’t he—like a lot of people do—both work and go to school full time?  If he’s going to school for something that will earn a good deal of money for you in the future, why not consider a student loan?

I understand all too well what your husband is going through.  I’m not unsympathetic to his problems and I really think it’s admirable of you to do what’s necessary and jump into the breach to support your family.  The problem is that he seems to want to take the shortcut to getting a degree—by which I mean the quickest path to it, instead of maybe seeing that the price for his not having done it already is that he needs to go slow and steady to achieve his goals and to understand that you are not his get out of jail free card. 

And don’t mistake what I’m saying here.  I’m not calling him selfish or saying that he’s taking advantage of you.  I’m saying that he feels like he’s backed himself into a corner and the natural instinct is to flee—to get out as quickly as possible.  Sometimes that fight or flight instinct is overwhelming.  It narrows the vision and it makes us blind to all else but the flight we chose. 

In being supportive, you’ve basically chosen to take a piggy back ride on an animal of prey running from the predators.  You’re going to get bit first unless you get off.  You need to be supportive by being the one who sees more clearly.  You need to be supportive by picking up the slack in your relationship when he’s both working and studying.  You need to be supportive by understanding his stress and by being there for him over the long haul that it will take to get him where he wants to be.

The quick and easy path is rarely the right choice.  It’s quick and easy for a reason.  You joining the defense force may be the quickest way for you both to achieve your family goals, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right one or the best one.  You working 80-100 hours a week is CERTAINLY not.  Better to look into advancing your own career, possibly to management, is a better idea that working yourself that hard. 

The point is that there are lots of options.  There is a lot to discuss.  While you are a couple and while it’s awesome and amazing that you are willing to do anything for him, you also have a responsibility to take care of yourself—a responsibility that he must share for your well-being like you have proven you take of his.  If the solution to this problem only involves one of you making a sacrifice, that’s a path to resentments which lead to aggravations, which leads to fights, which leads to a rocky marriage.  It’s human nature.  Relationships end this way.  In the end all you may realize is that you did nothing but fight, but its this, choosing the easy path that may lead to the fuel that gets those fights burning.

Don’t talk yourself into anything.  Don’t rush to any decisions.  Don’t assume just because you found * a * way that it is * the * way, even if it seems like it’s a solution that’s too good to be true—especially if it seems like it’s too good to be true.  Marriage is a partnership.  So partner up to take this issue on, don’t take it on your shoulders alone.

Good luck!

-hoops  

The Three Day Rule

Dear Hoops,

This guy and I met online on a dating site. We emailed back and forth for a few weeks, not super consistently. Finally I gave him my # and said I was going out that night if he wanted to meet up. He text me and we ended up hanging out at his house (outside as I made it clear no sex). We decided to have a make out session but first we talked for like two hours straight. He told me about his family, his job, his past girlfriend. We got along really well. He was super sweet about the kissing, never tried to feel me up or anything, didn't cram his tongue down my throat or anything.

He walked me to my car when I left and kissed me goodbye. I text him a hey the next day and jokingly said so when's round two. He said I'm not sure but I will totally let you know.  The make out happened Friday, I text him Sat. afternoon. Then Monday I emailed him (didn't save his #) and asked if he wanted to go have drinks Wed. No reply. Why the blow off? One friend said I was a failed booty call another says maybe he is in to me but doesn't want to treat me like a booty call so he might be exploring other options. I have no clue but have decided not to contact him

What gives?

Signed,

Utterly Confused

Dear Confused,

Take a deep breath.  In.  Out.  In.  Out.  In.  Out. (I have to stop this I’m getting horny).  You need to chill the fuck out.  You kissed on Friday.  You sent him a text the very next day which he replied to indicating he would get in touch with you—that he was unsure, but that he’d let you know.  You went through Sunday without hearing from him and by Monday you chose to email him asking him out for drinks.

What’s the view like from his upper intestines?

Look, I’m not a big believer in the 3-day rule for everyone, but some people really need to take it to heart.  You might be one of those people.  Let me put a hypothetical scenario out there for you:

This guy meets up with a girl he met online.  They have a good time.  She’s insistent that nothing sexual is going to happen, but they have a nice time making out and talking.  She leaves and after the makeout session he’s a bit worked up.  He jerks off and goes to bed thinking that the girl was nice, he was attracted to her and might be interested in going out again.  His only problem with her was a) that she seemed a little needy or b) that she was a little pushy, but then again, that might have just been first date nerves or whatever.  He had plans the next few days but he figures he’ll give her a call on Sunday or Monday and ask her out again.

The next day—the VERY NEXT DAY—he gets a text from her asking him out again.  Wow.  Huh.  This really just kind of reinforces his thoughts that she may be a) needy or b) pushy.  His last girlfriend was needy/pushy and he’s not sure he wants to go through that again.  He texts back saying that he’s not sure when he can get together but he’ll let her know.  Surely, she’ll back off a bit now and he can get back to her later in the week now, maybe Wednesday or Thursday.

No such luck.  She emails on Monday.  Really?  Yes.  Really.  This just confirms in his mind that this girl is too needy/pushy.  He can’t deal with a girl who a) is that needy or b) can’t let him be the man and actually ask her out instead of always pushing the issue.  “Fuck it!” he says and chooses not to reply.

That’s how I see this having played out.  I think it was fine that you took initiative and asked him out in the first place, but to have followed up so quickly after the date and asked him when the next date was going to happen gives off a stink of desperation.  When a girl comes off as desperate a guy starts wondering what he might be missing that would make her so desperate?  Suddenly, everything she did and said is magnified and he reads signs that may not have been there an before she knows it, he’s no longer interested.

A man likes to feel like a man and part of that is being the hunter.  I think most men are okay—even happy—to be asked out on a date by a woman, but after that first date, she’s got to give him some space to man up and do some pursuing of his own.  You’ve essentially given him all the power in this relationship after one date, a text and an email.  He knows he’s got you.  You aren’t a challenge of any kind for him.  Sure, he may have to wait a week or two before he gets you horizontal, but he can put that time in with no problem.  You are a fish in a barrel.

What you should have done is made that first text something like, “Thanks for a great night!  I really had a great time!”  Then you should have left it alone.  You asked him on the first date.  Being the one to broach the subject of date number two first was a big mistake and doing so SOOOOO soon and not giving him a chance to do it first was even bigger.  I’m not going to lie to you.  It all goes into that first impression and may have even ruined it.

My advice to you is this:  Wait a few days.  Don’t contact him again until after this weekend.  When you do contact him, do it in a brief email.  Say something like:  Hey, it’s Sunday night and I just realized I hadn’t heard from you after my last email.  Then I realized that I actually texted you the day after our date and then emailed you the day after that and wow…pushy much?  (go with pushy over needy here.  You can do a spin job on pushy to make it an admirable quality, needy is only good for someone with a hero complex) Sorry about that.  I’m just one of those “planner” people and didn’t even realize I was being “that girl” when I sent it.  Anyway, I had a good time last weekend.  I hope you did too!  Then close with an inside joke that has nothing to do with anything.  Use something he said on the date—something he tried to be funny about.  Don’t ask him out.  Don’t bring up another date.  Don’t even hint at it.  The purpose of this email is to let him know that you haven’t thought about him since you sent the email and that when you did think about him and wonder about why he hadn’t replied, you immediately realized that you had been “pushy,” and that you’re sorry for that. 

I can’t promise it’ll work.  He may be frightened away.  He may see enough in what you’ve shown him to remind him of the worst qualities of an ex who he’s not eager to revisit in the form of a new girl with the same issues.  You may have to chalk this one up to a lesson learned the hard way.  Then again…this guy took forever to go out with you the first time.  It took you inviting him out last minute to get him off his ass.  Maybe he’s just really busy in his life right now?  Maybe all you need to do is wait?  Who knows?

One thing is for sure:  The first impression on a date doesn’t end with the goodnight kiss.  What you do in terms of calls/texts/emails/FB posts over the next few days is part of that impression and very important.  What you do can either reinforce or ease any doubts your date had about you.  Specifically, don’t be needy.  Don’t be over-eager.  Be cool.  Be kind.  Be chill.

I hope it all works out for you!

-hoops     

Marijuana, Condoms and Cum, Oh My!

Dear Hoops,

I actually have two questions for you, Hoops. Both come with a little backstory. 

The first, I believe is the least important of the two. My boyfriend has picked up this weird habit. We've used condoms for our entire relationship and they have not failed us. No babies! (Yay!) However, just recently he has stopped finishing in me (always with protection!) whereas he had ever had any issues with it before. I wondered if you could give me some insight on why a guy would do this. The only thing I could figure is that something triggered his baby paranoia and just wants to make absolutely sure there's no pregnancy (and I'm all about that). What he has taken to do is pulling out and finishing himself. I'd like to tell him that he doesn't have to do that...that I could give him other options. I know guys have a fondness for cumming on things. Haha. I'm not sure how to bring that up though. 



The second question...is a little more complicated. I do not take drugs, I do not smoke drugs...I do not enjoy being around drugs. They could cost people their jobs, their freedom...and even their families. I have seen this happen. That being said, my boyfriend USED to be the same way...growing up until about two months ago. Two months ago he started spending a lot more time with his brother and his brother found some sort of *legal weed* and subsequently started using it regularly.

His brother has also started delving into much harder drugs. My concern is that my boyfriend will follow this same path and I will end up having to leave him. One of the reasons I'm with him was because he did not do drugs. Marijuana doesn't bother me to the extent that I can't deal with it...I just refuse to. I've seen what it can do to people if they start using it everyday.

He was honest about it when it first got the stuff and I expressed my concerns then, but I think it's time to put it out their a little more seriously...without giving him an ultimatum right now. Ultimatums don't work anyway. He has taken to hiding it from me but I know he is still doing it because he keeps it in one of the night stand drawers and it will disappear for a bit and then he will put it back. I don't go through his things…that's just the drawer I keep my books in when I read before I go to sleep. (Just wanted to make that clear...I'm not being a crazy girlfriend. haha) Could you give me some advice on this? 

I'm not sure I really put questions in there, and I don't believe the last one counts! 



Sincerely,

Likes my Eggs Unfertilized

Dear Eggs,

It occurs to me that the answer to both of your questions is a simple one and the same for each.  Talk to him.  At the end of the day though, that’s my advice for everything, isn’t it?  So, I suppose you want something a little more in-depth?  Okay, fine.  I was really hoping to enjoy a nice Casmir Pulaski Day on the couch relaxing, but if you must press me into service, then serve I shall!

There could be a number of reasons why your boy is finishing outside the old vag and if condoms have always been successful, then I doubt that’s the reason—unless he’s worried you might poke holes or otherwise sabotage things in an effort to get his swimmers in your Fallopian tubes (I’m sorry, but fallopian is just one of my favorite words.  Say it out loud.  Fallopian!  It’s fun to say isn’t it?  We just don’t use the word Fallopian enough for my liking!). 

Where was I?  Oh.  Yes.  Condoms and cumming.  So:  You’re getting plowed either way, but with the condoms on he could be experiencing decreased sensitivity and because of that he might not be “getting there” inside you.  He may be finishing outside you because with his hand he’s able to cause more friction, finally getting himself on the quick train home.  Anyway, THAT would be my number one guess.  I’d be surprised if it had anything to do with babies, unless he has a friend who wound up with a broken condom baby.

Now, as for the other options that exist for him coming to climax outside of the bat cave, I think that sounds like a great idea—especially if it does come down to a sensitivity issue for him.  My advice to you is to take charge!  When he pulls out and starts jackhammering himself, GRAB THAT COCK!!  Say, “MINE!”  Then you do your voodoo that you do on his hee-hoo!  And when it comes to where he actually sends the seed…well, if you’ve got a hold of the hose, you get to aim it don’t you?  So take one in the face!  Or, take one on the boobs!  Pick the spot where YOU want to be painted and let it rip!  You’ll see if he likes that or not.  You’ll probably get to talk about it too because what better time to talk about whether or not he likes cumming on you than when his sticky white seed is dripping from your eyelashes, right?

Either way, the best way to handle all of this is to talk about it.  If you do it post-coitus after you’ve taken my advice, I think his guard will be down and he’ll be open to discussing everything.  Maybe a new brand of condom will help?  Maybe he needs to jerk it because where he really wants to cum in on your ass?  You’ll never know unless you ask him!

As for the next issue, my first piece of advice is that you not talk about both problems with him at the same time, like you did with me.  It’s okay to ask me about both issues, but you can’t talk to a guy about two issues you have at once or he’ll feel like you have a whole checklist of things about him you need to fix and he’ll obviously take offense to that.

This one definitely requires a conversation though.  I think you should lay it out for him the same way you did for me.  Tell him that you’re not a fan of drugs, even the herb.  Tell him that even though you’re not a fan of it that you understand if he wants to smoke a little Mary Jane, BUT that if it’s something he feels the need to hide from you—then THAT is a problem.  Tell him that if he’s just smoking up casually and not too often it really shouldn’t be something he feels a need to hide.  The only way he should feel like he needs to hide it from you is if he’s doing it too much and if that’s the case then he has a problem.

You’re right about drugs ruining lives.  Even marijuana ruins lives if it becomes an addiction.  If he is lying to you about his usage or hiding it from you, it’s the first step down a steep and slippery slope.  Be careful.  Protect yourself and your heart and if he chooses the drugs over you, then you don’t owe him anything—especially sticking around.  And not for nothing—prolonged use of marijuana has sexual side effects, including decreased sensitivity and difficulty climaxing for some men.

When you enter into a relationship with someone the first stage is the puppy love stage.  When you get past that, you get into the deeper get-to-know-you-stage.  Once you’ve passed through that into the comfort zone you have a pretty good idea of who you’re with and you continue dating them because you like the person you got to know.  However, at this point, if your siggy other makes some kind of huge change in their life you really have to reassess that person.  You can’t just keep accepting things you don’t approve of on a core level. 

The policy of appeasement didn’t work out well for Europe when Hitler was in his formative super-villain and it won’t work for you either.  When your previously drug-free boyfriend all-of-the-sudden takes up pot smoking as a hobby that’s a red light.  When he starts spending more time with his hard-drug-using brother that’s an alarm siren going off.  This is a time when you need to step back.  This is a new person.  This is not the person you fell in love with.  This is a new guy.

Your first priority is to YOURSELF.  Habitual drug use leads to bigger problems and you’ll be right in the middle of them.  If he chooses drugs over you, then you walk away.  This doesn’t mean you have to walk away completely.  You can stay by his side and try to help him through as a friend, but you do not put all your eggs in the basket of an addict.  Some people don’t ever come back from addiction.  You don’t have to stop loving him.  You have to stop being in love with him until he proves, once again, to be the kind of man who you fell in love with in the first place.

[Aside:  Before any of you herb heads tell me that marijuana isn’t addictive, do your homework.  Addiction doesn’t always depend on the substance being chemically addictive.  There are people who are addicted to caffeine, exercising, eating—it can be a psychological issue that has nothing to do with the substance itself.]

At the end of the day, it sounds like this is pretty early on right now in your case.  No need to jump ship just yet.  There IS a need to sit his ass down and talk to him though.  You’ve told him that you don’t mind him smoking up a bit.  If he’s doing it so much that he needs to hide it from you then that’s an issue.  That means he’s doing it more than he knows you’d be okay with and that is the same as lying about it.  Address it now.  Get it fixed.  Right now is your opportunity to save your relationship.  A week from now, a month from now, it might be too late because if he starts doing the harder stuff, like his brother, then you need to get your ass out of there and find a new man to cum on you! (by the way, I’m drug free!)

Good luck with both issues!  Stop by and let me know how they go!

-hoops

Help! My Co-Worker Is My Relative & She's Up In My Business!

Dear hoops,

I've been having problems with a co-worker lately. She also happens to be related to me and because of that (and I'm twenty years younger than her) she constantly feels the need to protect me from my boss. However, her idea of protection is to look over everything I've done and often she belittles my hard work.

The other day she told me that my attitude makes me hard to work with and she's tired of my ingratitude. I tried to reply nicely that my attitude might improve if I didn't feel so pathetic all the time because my work never seems to be good enough. She responded that she would stop checking on my work when I stopped making mistakes. However, I rarely double check my work these days because I know she's going to waste time doing that for me so of course there are sometimes mistakes. None of them have been earth-shattering however.

How can I get her off of my back and out of my hair so I can enjoy my job and do it well, but also keep the familial relationship intact?

~Deeply Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

You know where you’ve come for advice, right?  What I mean to say is that you’re aware that I can be an unsympathetic prick, aren’t you?  I hope so or this reply might come as a shock to you.

My advice is to stop fucking up.  Stop being a lazy fuck and not checking your work because, “she’s going to waste time doing that for you.”  News Flash:  If she stops finding mistakes, she’ll stop feeling like she has to search for them! 

You throw out the wah-wah-whiny line that your attitude might improve if you didn’t feel so pathetic all the time because your work isn’t good enough.  Well guess what?  NO ONE FUCKING OWES YOU FALSE REASONS FOR YOU TO HAVE SELF-ESTEEM!  If you want to not feel pathetic about your work, start doing it better!  Start doing the kind of job that demands respect and attention and you’ll get it!  This makes me absofuckinglutely sick!  You want her to be nice to you and sugar coat everything so she you can feel less pathetic?  BULLSHIT!

You know who doesn’t feel pathetic?  People who are good at their jobs!  People who work hard, check their own work and minimize mistakes.  You know who doesn’t feel pathetic?  People who take PRIDE in what they do.  It sounds to me like you don’t take the first bit of pride in your work.  If you did, you’d never say something like that you don’t check your work because you know she’ll just WASTE TIME doing it anyway! 

I’m sorry.  But let’s keep it real here.  You feel pathetic and inadequate in your job because you do a pathetic and inadequate job.  Your relative likely feels like you are a reflection on her and SHE sounds like she doesn’t want a lazy, poor-me-pity-me reflection coming back on her. 

You want some advice?  Say thank you!  Tell your relative that you’re grateful to her for saving your lazy ass from being fired for multiple mistakes and tell her that you’re going to try to make it up to her by not being such a lazy fuck anymore! 

Look at your attitude about mistakes.  None of them have been “earth-shattering,” huh?  Tell me something, what about the sum of your mistakes?  If all of the mistakes your relative had caught had been ignored by her, what do you think the sum of all your mistakes would be?  Would they equate to earth-shattering?  What’s earth-shattering in your opinion anyway?  I’ll tell you one undeniable truth in ANY business and that is that a bunch of little mistakes become a big one EVERY time.

You think your relative is putting her nose where it doesn’t belong.  You think she’s stepping on your toes.  You think she’s the problem here.  You’re wrong.  Good employees don’t need to be regularly protected from the boss.  Good employees don’t need to have their work checked every day.  She belittles your hard work huh?  Poor baby!  Guess what?  If your work is truly good, it CAN’T be belittled!  If your “hard work” is done right, it stands on it’s own and defends itself.  It’s all very simple.  If you took pride in your work, there would be no issues here, but you don’t so there are issues.

You’re right though.  If I was your relative, I’d march right into the bosses office and tell her that I’d been covering for your lazy ass for a while now, that I had been correcting all of your fuck-ups and that I was done covering for you.  I’d tell the boss that you are a lousy employee and that I personally recommend that you be fired.  I’d tell the boss that I was ashamed of the work you did and that I expect better from my family, but that I had been grievously let down on that count.

If she did that then you wouldn’t have to deal with her checking your work anymore, you wouldn’t have to worry about her protecting you or belittling you.  You’d just be another fuck-up employee who is bound to be a former employee in no time flat.

You came to the wrong place if you expected or hoped for any kind of sympathy from me darling.  Do your damn job.  Quit being an embarrassment.  EARN your respect.  Work hard.  Then you won’t have any problems.

Fuck me,

hoops  

He Just Might Be That Into You!

Dear hoops,

I'm absolutely crazy about a friend and co-worker of mine. He and I talk daily - both at work and at home - and we talk not just about surface stuff, who we are and why we are that way. He stands close to me, touches my back, shoulder or arm constantly. He smiles and winks at me from across the room. He remembers things I told him. Yesterday during lunch he offered a story I told him about when I was growing up. We're very much alike, with one glaring exception: He's very logical, while I am more emotional.

I'm frustrated because I can't tell if this man likes me. Is that whole "He's not that into you" philosophy real?

-Self-help Sweetheart

Dear Sweetheart,

You have to beware of any book that claims to have all the answers, and books like, “He’s Just Not That In To You,” is one of those books.  The authors (I’d hope) know that no set of advice or principles is universal, but in order to sell copies of their books, they do have to make it seem that way.  As someone who has been writing an advice column for half a decade now, I can tell you with absolute certainty that every leak is different and there is no such thing as a universal plug to stop your ship from sinking.

When you approach a book like that one, or a column like this one, you have to take into account a few things.  First, you can’t possibly apply a piece of advice to ALL situations.  Some of the most common complaints I get are from people who have SIMILAR, but obviously not EXACT issues to someone asking a question.  When I give my advice to the person asking the question, based on the facts they give me and it doesn’t fit in with someone who has a similar, but different situation, I often get jumped on and yelled at about how amazingly wrong I am. 

My longwinded point is that sure, the advice given to women in the Not That Into You book is obviously something that has resonated with a LOT of women.  Many of you were able to read what they said and saw patterns in your own life that matched and applied.  And that’s the key with that book—it’s good for understanding and dealing with your own behavioral PATTERNS.  It is not (and I haven’t read it though I am familiar with the subject matter) supposed to be a universal plug.  You can’t and shouldn’t apply it to every man.  The advice in that book is for YOU to make changes in yourself and how you perceive the men in your life in terms of their feelings for you.  It is NOT a step-by-step guide for dealing with every man in every situation and if it purports to be then that’s sad.

So, don’t view your current situation as a specific, individual, He’s Just Not That Into You situation.  If you have a pattern of behavior they can help you fix it, but it is a mistake for any woman to apply it universally.  If they did, shy men would never get dates.  A man who places you on a pedestal and gets amazingly nervous around you and struggles getting up the confidence to ask you out will always be dismissed.  Those men are out there.  In a lot of cases, they wind up making great boyfriends and husbands—but you ladies have to be patient for them.

So, if you have a pattern of dating men who “just aren’t that into you,” that’s fine, avoid those situations and break that pattern.  If that’s not a pattern in your life though, it’s okay to give a guy a break and some space and let him work up the courage to ask you out and take the next steps. 

You’re very astute in understanding the polar opposite personality types you have.  He is very logical.  You are very emotional.  That’s okay!  You may bring each other much needed balance.  You may bring excitement to his life.  He may bring stability to yours.  However, you have to understand that there are certain to be issues between those two personality types too.  Communication may not always be easy—you’ll have to work at it and so will he. 

Part of the communication process is the non-verbal communications that two people share.  In his opposite mind, he may think he’s put himself out there time and time again and you’ve ignored his signals.  He may be just as frustrated as you are right now.  I can’t promise this is the case, but if you think about it and think about how truly opposite your brains work, there’s a good chance of it given all the other signs of affection and caring you mentioned.

My advice to you is to take it beyond the subtle.  Be direct.  Ask him on a date.  Don’t insinuate anything.  Say:  “Would you like to go on a date with me?”  Leave no room for interpretation.  Leave no room for his logical brain to analyze the situation and conclude that what you really mean is, “If your Outlook Calendar shows that you have some free time, perhaps you and I could share a completely platonic meal and discuss current events in a non-romantic way.”  Use the word date.  Be specific.  Be bold.

The obvious reason not to is the classic, “but I don’t want to ruin the friendship if he doesn’t think of me in that way!”  To that, I say:  BULLSHIT!

Let me tell you how that one plays out.  If one person has feelings for another that go beyond friendship and the other person does not return them, the friendship, in 9 out of 10 cases is doomed.  Period.  It’s too hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for as more than a friend.  If you continue on this way and find out that he took someone else out on Valentine’s Day, you will resent him for it.  In other words, the feelings you have already have set in motion a series of possible outcomes and the percentage of the chance of you going back to being “just friends” is a very, very slim one. 

Your best bet is to put it out there and take a chance on getting what you truly want.  Even if you don’t, at least you won’t have to wonder, at least you won’t live the regret of not taking a shot and you won’t waste weeks-months-years of your life hoping for something that may never occur.

The entire He’s Just Not That Into You craze is a product of people being afraid to be direct, to ask for what they want, to put their heart out on the line.  It happens to men and to women, alike.  The heart is not a fragile organ.  It is meant to survive hurt and pain.  Your heart needs you to care for it, be considerate of it, but it does not need your protection.  The heart is a sponge, not a fortress; feed it, don’t protect it.

Put your cards on the table.  Good luck.  I hope it works out for you.

-hoops 

Being Cut Out Of A Friend's Life--Then Pulled Back In

Dear hoops, 


About a year ago, a good friend of mine cut me out of her life without explanation. I've never been able to figure out why. I was hurt and annoyed for a while, but I got over it and moved on. We still run in to each other at parties held by mutual friends, but it's as though I don't exist to her.



Then yesterday she emailed me asking for help because she got fired from her job for a bogus, made-up reason, but she can't afford a lawyer and she needs legal advice. I work in employment law.
 I would be happy to help out a friend for free...in fact, I often do. But after a year of silence, do I owe her anything? I believe in forgiveness, I just hate being used.



-Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

You don’t even owe her a return email.  If she cut you out of her life, than you are not a part of her life and as a nonentity in the life that is hers, you don’t really even exist and if you don’t exist then you can’t return an email or give her free legal advice.  If you were an actual person, someone she said hello to at parties, someone she called once in a while, someone who had sent an email to you asking how you were, or even forwarded a joke to you—then the bonds of friendship might compel you to feel obligated to do whatever you can to help her, but you don’t exist.  You are not real.  You are Santa Clause’s long lost daughter.  You are the Easter Bunny’s slutty girlfriend.  You are the Tooth Fairy’s sister’s friend’s cousin on her father’s side once removed.

As such, you don’t owe her a damn thing.  You are perfectly entitled to treat her email like a letter to Santa or a prayer to Cthulhu and file it away in your file of cute things the blissfully ignorant do.

If it was me though, I’d take this opportunity to get some closure—or at least make her kiss your ass a little bit!  Allow me:

Dear [Fucknut],

Wow.  I’m really surprised to hear from you.  When you cut me out of your life a year ago without any explanation, I really figured that was it between us.  Even with your current situation, I wouldn’t have imagined you’d call on me.  I assumed that whatever you felt I did to you to warrant being totally cut off without explanation would have been enough to keep you from contacting me for just about anything.

I’m not going to lie to you, there’s a part of me that feels for you and wants to help you.  That’s the part of me that never stopped being your friend, even if you didn’t want to be mine, I guess.  There’s also a part of me that feels really cheap.  I’m not good enough to be your friend anymore, but apparently I am good enough to help you when you need it?  I’m conflicted.

I’m getting by just fine without your friendship.  I’m not looking to get it back.  Someone who would bail on me without even letting me know why isn’t really someone I want to surround myself with to be honest.  I do feel like you owe me an honest explanation before I even consider your request though. 

Tell me the truth about why you cut me out of your life.  No bullshit.  No lies.  No ass-kissing.  You don’t just go from being friends like we were to being nothing without there being a reason.  You owe me that much.  And after you give me that small courtesy—one you should have given me a long time ago—I’ll seriously consider your request for my help.  I’ll be straight with you that I’m leaning toward helping you out.  Don’t fuck it up by patronizing me or lying about why we aren’t friends anymore.  Respect me enough to tell me the truth.  Show me the respect you didn’t bother to show me a year ago when you cut me out of your life.  Do that much and I’ll do my best to respect the fact that we were once friends and a part of me still doesn’t want to see you hurt.

-Conflicted

That’s what I’d say.  Hell, you can copy and paste it word for word if you like.  From there I’d honor what you say.  I’d wait for her reply.  If it’s wishy-washy or ass-kissing, if she denies cutting you out of her life and says something like you just drifted apart but she’s always considered you to still be one of her very best friends, I’d reply to her and let her know that you can’t help her out other than to maybe recommend another source for free legal advice—if you know of one.

If she does respect you enough to give you an actual reason, even if you don’t like it, then I’d probably help her out.  I wouldn’t go full tilt the way I would for a real friend of mine.  For my real friend’s I’d crawl to the corners of the Earth.  Even if she does come clean to you, she’s still no better than an acquaintance to you now.  She’s like a friend of a friend.  I’d offer help accordingly.  I’d help a friend of a friend, but I’d do it on my terms, at my pace, in my free time and I wouldn’t let it interfere with anything else important I had going on in my life.

There are benefits that come with being friends with someone.  When you stop being that person’s friend, you give up those benefits.  To come back and expect them after you cut someone out of your life is ballsy.  She’s certainly using you.  She’s trying to get one of the benefits of your friendship back even though she hasn’t given you the kind of friendship that earns that privilege.  So, acknowledge that fact.  Let her use you, in trade for what you want from her—closure.  It may infuriate you to hear why she chose to dump you.  It likely will.  You don’t just cut someone out of your life for nothing, but at least you’ll know. 

Regardless of what happens, I don’t suggest using this as a means to any kind of reconciliation between the two of you.  No matter what her reason might be, if you accept it as truth, I’d stay away from her after either helping or not helping.  No matter what her reason a true friend owes you an explanation.  Not giving you one was a sign of total disrespect.  Any offering of an olive branch on her part now can’t be taken seriously.  It may very well be—and likely is—a means to an end, with that end being your help. 

IF, when all is said and done, you do find yourself wanting to reconcile with her and be friends again—if she does suggest that and ask for it, I advise you to give her a very simple test.  Once you’re done helping her, tell her if she’s truly serious about being friends again that she should wait two months to give you some space and then she should call you so you can get together.  My bet is that once she’s free and clear you won’t get that call.  But…if, after two months of not needing your help, she does call?  Well...that’s up to you.  Give her a shot if you want, but remember the old adage:  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

Good luck.

-hoops  

Help! I'm dating a Momma's Boy!

Okay kids, sorry for the hiatus but I’ve been busy shoveling out of this damn blizzard.  Two feet of snow and 70 MPH winds knocked my power out and kept me from getting to some of the questions I’ve gotten in a timely manner, but I’ll get to them all.  Here’s today’s question…

Dear Hoops,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years and we've been friends for nine. I've been around his family and friends for just as long and I seem to get along with everyone. However, his mother hates me. This isn't really me being paranoid...the woman seriously has issues. She has invited his brother's ex girlfriends to family events but I've never been invited once. I didn't even get a Christmas card from her. I've asked my boyfriend about it and he said that it's just how she is. Over New Years I got so upset about everything that I didn't even enjoy the holiday at home because I was so anxious about the way she felt about me. I felt like I was walking on egg shells.

She pretty much acknowledges me to the point of politeness but doesn't go beyond that. I don't really know how to approach the situation anymore. He hasn't been concerned about it and just realized recently how much it really bothers me...and it does, a lot. I feel so out of place and unwelcome when I go to her house that I actually get anxious...which probably makes me look like a total tool. I've tried telling him to talk to her about it but he seems to be avoiding it entirely. How do I handle the situation with her? I feel like I should say something, but at the same time, will she hate me more for being assertive? Do you have any advice for him on how to approach the situation? I'd hate for a rift to form between them but I really don't know how much longer I can stand feeling like I'm a huge disappointment.

~Not His Momma’s Girl

Dear Not,

This sounds like a pretty lousy situation to be in and I don’t envy you one bit.  However, it also sounds like its something that’s been going on for a long time and you’ve been suffering silently for all that time.  If you’ve been together for three years and you’re just now making your boyfriend aware of this issue, I have to wonder why you waited so long?

I also wonder about this idea you have that it’s somehow up to him to fix it?  To be honest, if someone doesn’t like me, I usually just brush them off and chalk it up as their loss (because I am made entirely of awesomesauce and cool beans) but if—for some reason—I do care or am upset by the way someone treats me, I pull up my big boy pants and I confront them directly.  And I don’t do it meekly.  I certainly don’t put it on my S.O. (siggy other) to do it for me. 

My advice to you is to take this problem by the balls and swing!  Don’t make up an excuse, but the next time she makes you feel disrespected, tell her that you need to have a private word with her.  When you have her alone, you need to stand up to her.  This mother is being a bully and if you want to get anywhere in life, you have to learn how to stand up to bullies.  What you have to understand is that YOU have the power and the leverage here—not her!

There is no more potent power in the known universe than the Power of Pussy!  You have it.  Unless he’s taking his personal Oedipal thing to the extreme, she does not.  You need to explain to her that you feel belittled by her.  You need to tell her that you feel it is disrespectful of you to invite his ex-girlfriends to family events without even bothering to ask you.  Tell her you are tired of walking around on egg shells when she is around and that it hurt you that she didn’t think enough of you to add you to her Christmas card list.

Put it all out there and then let her respond.  See what she says to those things.  Maybe all she needs is for you to stand up to her.  Some bullies are like that.  You need only stand up to them and show them you aren’t afraid and as soon as you do, they stop bullying you.

If, however, she doesn’t back down, it’s time for Phase II and to use your Pussy Power.  Remind her of a few things:  You’ve been together for three years with her son and you’re not going anywhere.  Tell her that you love him and that you know he loves you too.  Tell her that you are done trying to please her and that you no longer care if she doesn’t like you but that if that’s the way she wants to play it that she should really think about what that might mean for the future.

It might mean that she’s alienating someone who might be her son’s wife and that if that comes to pass—you won’t be subjecting yourself to situations that make you feel uncomfortable, including spending holiday time with her.  It may be something she holds over you now, but once her son has a family of his own, if you are a part of it, that may mean that she is the one who is left out in the cold. 

It’s also worth reminding her that you may someday be the mother of her son’s children and that if she doesn’t have a strong, healthy relationship with you, it’ll mean that she will see her grandkids a lot less because again—you won’t subject yourself to being made to feel unwelcome or unwanted. 

I don’t suggest you do all of this in a threatening manner.  Do it calmly.  Let her know that you’re done jumping through hoops (no pun intended) for her and that if you’re not welcome and respected by her, that’s fine; but soon enough times and circumstances will change and if she can’t treat you with kindness now, you’ll remember that in the future.

I’d also give your boyfriend this little talk and I’d give it to him first.  Plant the seed.  Do not ask him to talk to her.  Do not expect him to talk to her.  Just let him know that you have reached your breaking point with his mother.  Let him know that you have every intention of confronting her the next time she is rude or inconsiderate of you.  Let him know that if that confrontation doesn’t yield the results you desire, that you’ll be cutting ties with his mother.  Let him know that unless she starts making an effort to accept and embrace you that your efforts to be accepting and embracing of her are over. 

Explain to him that means having to choose between his mother and his girlfriend often—every holiday, every birthday.  Explain to him that every time he chooses his mother over you, it’s going to cause a fight between himself and you.  Explain to him that YOU have tried to stop this from happening but that she has not done the same.  Don’t ask him to do anything about it—but make him aware of the level things have reached and the consequences of inaction.

I don’t think you can be mad at him though—not yet.  It sucks that he hasn’t even noticed all of these problems, but by your own admission, he only recently has been made to understand the gravity of the situation.

**IMPORTANT POINT FOR ALL THE LADIES** You can only hold him accountable for something from the moment he becomes aware it’s an issue and is made aware of just how serious the issue is to you!  I know you WANT him to just know when you’re hurting and be able to discern the cause of your pain and vanquish it, but that’s the fairy tale, not the reality.  Men can be oblivious.  If you don’t specifically make them aware of a problem and how serious that problem is you can’t hold them accountable for it.  If the situation were reversed, he would come out and say something immediately.  He won’t understand your way of handling things and if you’re not a squeaking wheel, he may never know that you need to be greased.****

Ideally, when you truly lay it on the line to him, your man will step up on his own.  He’ll hear you when you say to him that if she doesn’t fix her shit quickly, his mother isn’t going to see a lot of her grandkids, that she isn’t going to get to see him on holidays and birthdays, that she won’t be welcome in your home.  If he’s a man, he’ll go fix these problems.  HE will lay down the law to her.  And she’ll at least have a chance to make an effort.  If he doesn’t, it’ll be his own damn fault when you put your foot down the next time there’s an issue. 

This isn’t an ultimatum.  Remember, you’re not ASKING (or telling) him to do anything.  You’re just laying it all out for him so that he understands that you are at your boiling point and that you will not stand for any more disrespect from her.  If he chooses inaction, then he’ll be complicit in whatever problems occur from this point forward.  You’re handing him a rope and a roll of duct tape, he can choose to hang himself or fix things.

My final word on the matter is to let you know that there is some risk in all of this but that the risk is worth it.  Look, if he’s too much of a momma’s boy to stand up to her, as much as it may suck, it’s better to find that out now than later.  A bad MIL/DIL relationship has ruined MANY a marriage.  There comes a point when a man must become a man and stop being his mother’s little boy.  Some men never make it there.  Some men let their mother’s control them for their entire life.  You do NOT want to spend your life with a man who makes you the second most important woman in his life.  YOU DO NOT.  No matter how much you love him, no matter how perfect he is for you, if he can’t make this transition to making you the most important woman in his life then your relationship will NEVER work out in the end.

The mother-son bond is an important one and a beautiful one and he need not ever love her any less than he does right now.  What he needs to do is make room in his heart to love you in deeper ways.  There has to be a transfer of roles where you become his first confidant, his first thought, his first priority and as such, it’ll be your responsibility to show your gratitude to her for all she has done in creating this man you love by deflecting as much confidence, thoughts and priority to her.

Hopefully this works out for you.  If it doesn’t though, you can be confident in the fact that you’ve done the right thing.  To allow this to continue, to suffer silently, to walk on egg shells is only to prolong the inevitable and that inevitable is the end of your relationship.  If nothing changes, it can happen now, before kids, before marriage, before you’re “stuck,” or it can happen after.  It’ll hurt either way, but it’ll hurt less and be less messy now than it will later.

Good luck,

hoops    

   

Being a Good Parent

Dear Hoops,

I'd like to know how you would get your 9-year-old kid to behave. We've tried everything - a token system / rewards - punishments / taking away privileges - but today when we thought things couldn't get worse, she snapped at the teacher and has been told that the next time that happens she will go to the principal's office and possibly face suspension.

Any insight would be appreciated.

~Clueless 

Dear Clueless,

I’m going to be straight with you here.  I don’t have any kids of my own.  I’ve been in love, I’ve been in relationships, I feel like I have a right to speak on those things because they are basic human interaction.  When it comes to raising a child, while I have some very strong opinions, as a non-parent I feel like I have to start off with that disclaimer and remind you to take my advice with that in mind to keep it in it’s proper perspective.

That out of the way, I fear for our future.  I think good parents are few and far between.  The scary part to an outside observer like me is that all of these parents seem to think that what they are doing is best and to me, most of it looks foolish and counterproductive.  I think parents today are overprotective to an unreasonable degree.  I think parents today mollycoddle their children.  I think that parents today often value the wrong things. 

Take the pageant kids for example.  Most of us can see the extreme nature of that and because it has to do with looks, we routinely look down upon what these parents put their kids through.  Sadly, some of the same parents who are looking down at the pageant parents have planned out their own kids lives and start them on their track to an Ivy League School while they are barely out of the womb.  You might think that’s a good thing, but you’re wrong.  It’s no different than dressing your kid up in grown up clothes and parading them around. 

A huge part of the problem, as far as I’m concerned, are all of the, “professional parents” out there.  Many of these people are college educated, have started a career in the outside world and then have chosen to give it up to be a full time parent.  These people seek an affirmation of the self-importance of the sacrifice they make by making their business the business of raising the perfect child.  Their metrics are the schools the child is accepted to, the awards won, the grades skipped, the “My Kid Is an Honor Roll Student At Walt P. Genius School” bumper sticker.  The parent’s self image and value come from the achievements of the kid and therefore undue and unnecessary pressure is placed upon the kids.  It used to be just the dads who put this kind of pressure on their sons to excel in sports so they could relieve past glories vicariously, but now it’s parents putting undue stress and pressure on kids because any failure on the child’s part becomes the parent’s failing as well. 

Whoa Hoops!  This is all fine and well but how does it apply to my daughter snapping at her teacher?  Well, you didn’t give me a lot to work with in terms of specifics so I’m answering you with my general opinions on places where most parents—in my humble opinion—are failing their kids.  We live in an age of “everybody wins” so we can build self-esteem and then send out kids into a real world where they don’t understand how to fail.  We pamper and protect them from bullies and injustice and then send them out into a world where both can be found around every corner.

You mention some things you’ve tried and one of them was a “token” system.  Maybe I’m wrong, but this sounds like the kind of new-age bullshit that is part of the problem while purporting to be the solution.

I’m not a parent, but I do have a lot of experience with kids.  I was a youth basketball coach for 13 years and while that’s quite a jump from coach who spends a couple hours a day with a kid, to a parent who is stuck with the kid for life, I think that overall, the same strategies can be applied, so here, now, finally, I’ll get around to giving some advice instead of just bitching about parents today.

[pause for applause]

The first step is to put the fear of God into them.  Now, settle down, I’m not talking about taking your belt off and whipping them or anything.  I’m talking about you asserting yourself as the person in charge.  I’m talking about showing the child who has the power in your relationship.  You are the boss.  You need to make that abundantly clear.  This means rules and discipline.  It means being stern.  It means saying what you mean and meaning what you say.  It means following through—no idle threats. 

A punishment should be just that—punishing.  You don’t teach a kid anything by not allowing them to play video games for a day.  You teach a kid by turning the TV off, taking the computer away, taking the game system away.  You punish a kid by allowing them no other entertainment than a book—one of your choosing.  You punish a kid by putting those now-idle hands to use.  A nine year old can shovel snow, can cut the grass, can paint the fence, can hand wash the dishes, can vacuum, can scrub the toilets—and should. 

This “time out” bullshit is for the hippies.  Spend a Saturday three feet up your kid’s ass.  Work them from sun up to sun down.  Give them bread and water.  Make the punishment memorable and something that will influence them in the future. 

Kids NEED structure and discipline.  It starts with you.  You have to set it.  If you have a bratty kid, it’s very likely because you haven’t given the kid enough of one or both.  When kids act out, like yours is doing with her teacher, it’s a cry for help.  It’s a cry for that structure and discipline.  They sound like mean things but they are not.  A kid’s world should not be a huge world.  It should be a small place.  It should be filled with routine and they should be able to count on certain things.  It’s the only way the world makes sense to kids. 

On the discipline part, if you go the “fear of God” route and go heavy the first time, you’ll find that you probably don’t have to continually go there.  You can scale down punishments after making an impression.  You show the kids that YOU are the boss, make the respect that fact and then you don’t need to keep reinforcing it on the same level you started.

What about structure?  Well, kids need it.  What does that mean?  It means a couple different things.  It means that there needs to be some routine.  It means waking up at a set time every day.  It means going to bed at a certain time.  It means when they get home from school, they can do NOTHING until homework is finished.  Period.  It means chores.  It means that every day, a kid should be responsible for doing something that adds to the household.  It’s about reminding them that they are part of something bigger than just themselves.  It means filling up the hours and taking away “free” time. 

Kids need to be engaged.  You need to take your cue from them on this one.  If your kid enjoys sports, there’s one for every season.  If your kid enjoys or shows an aptitude for music, there can be lessons or practice time every single day.  If your kid is artistically inclined, there are art lessons.  Your kid’s life should be busy and full.  Some of it filled with responsibility, some of it filled with whatever form of self-betterment they enjoy most.  Of course they should have fun, but the fun should be structured and worthwhile.  The video games don’t cut it.  Hours of TV don’t cut it.  Your kid needs to be involved to the point of exhaustion doing the things they enjoy and love—but are also constructive. 

There is plenty of time to be your kid’s friend when they are older and you have taught them all they need to know.  For now, you are a mentor, a guide, a teacher, a role model, a disciplinarian, a cheerleader, an encourager.  You should care about what they want and it’s up to YOU to find constructive ways for them to channel those wants.  You have to BE IN CHARGE. 

Too many parents are so set on not becoming what their own parents were, they forget to stop and ask if the way their own parents raised them worked?  Just because you didn’t like the fact that your parents were strict doesn’t mean it wasn’t good for you.  The key is taking full control, and then in gradually releasing it and trusting your child with it after they have earned that right.  It’s about taking it back when trust is broken, and then releasing it again when it’s earned back.  If your child is acting out, the time has come for you to take greater control.  In your case, I’d guess it’s time to take complete control.  Don’t do it as a power-hungry tyrant.  Do it as a caring, loving parent who knows that the world can’t be thrust at a kid who is not ready to handle it. 

Kids are small.  Make their world small.  Make it manageable for them.  Teach them.  Show them the value of being responsible and of working hard.  As they learn, loosen up bit by bit and allow the child’s world to get bigger and bigger until they understand the true nature of the world around them and are able to deal with it’s ups and downs, triumphs and failures, success and disappointments.  Send them into that world gradually as they are ready for it. 

You must rule with an iron fist and a loving heart—but you MUST rule.  I’m not telling you to be mean.  I’m telling you to be tough.  Do it because you care.  They are children, not little adults.  They do not, contrary to popular belief, grow up so fast.  They grow up slowly and they need to be introduced to the world around them at the proper pace.  That’s my advice to you.  I hope it resonates.

Good luck,

Hoops

p.s.  If you’d like to do some further reading on the subject, I highly recommend the book, A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting by Hara Estroff Marano.  You’ll see that we don’t agree on everything, but she lays out some ideas that I think are truly worth reading about.  Some are shocking and eye-opening.  Her thoughts on medicating kids, ADD, binge drinking in teens and teen suicide are well worth your time if you want to keep your own kid off those tracks.