Being a Good Parent

Dear Hoops,

I'd like to know how you would get your 9-year-old kid to behave. We've tried everything - a token system / rewards - punishments / taking away privileges - but today when we thought things couldn't get worse, she snapped at the teacher and has been told that the next time that happens she will go to the principal's office and possibly face suspension.

Any insight would be appreciated.

~Clueless 

Dear Clueless,

I’m going to be straight with you here.  I don’t have any kids of my own.  I’ve been in love, I’ve been in relationships, I feel like I have a right to speak on those things because they are basic human interaction.  When it comes to raising a child, while I have some very strong opinions, as a non-parent I feel like I have to start off with that disclaimer and remind you to take my advice with that in mind to keep it in it’s proper perspective.

That out of the way, I fear for our future.  I think good parents are few and far between.  The scary part to an outside observer like me is that all of these parents seem to think that what they are doing is best and to me, most of it looks foolish and counterproductive.  I think parents today are overprotective to an unreasonable degree.  I think parents today mollycoddle their children.  I think that parents today often value the wrong things. 

Take the pageant kids for example.  Most of us can see the extreme nature of that and because it has to do with looks, we routinely look down upon what these parents put their kids through.  Sadly, some of the same parents who are looking down at the pageant parents have planned out their own kids lives and start them on their track to an Ivy League School while they are barely out of the womb.  You might think that’s a good thing, but you’re wrong.  It’s no different than dressing your kid up in grown up clothes and parading them around. 

A huge part of the problem, as far as I’m concerned, are all of the, “professional parents” out there.  Many of these people are college educated, have started a career in the outside world and then have chosen to give it up to be a full time parent.  These people seek an affirmation of the self-importance of the sacrifice they make by making their business the business of raising the perfect child.  Their metrics are the schools the child is accepted to, the awards won, the grades skipped, the “My Kid Is an Honor Roll Student At Walt P. Genius School” bumper sticker.  The parent’s self image and value come from the achievements of the kid and therefore undue and unnecessary pressure is placed upon the kids.  It used to be just the dads who put this kind of pressure on their sons to excel in sports so they could relieve past glories vicariously, but now it’s parents putting undue stress and pressure on kids because any failure on the child’s part becomes the parent’s failing as well. 

Whoa Hoops!  This is all fine and well but how does it apply to my daughter snapping at her teacher?  Well, you didn’t give me a lot to work with in terms of specifics so I’m answering you with my general opinions on places where most parents—in my humble opinion—are failing their kids.  We live in an age of “everybody wins” so we can build self-esteem and then send out kids into a real world where they don’t understand how to fail.  We pamper and protect them from bullies and injustice and then send them out into a world where both can be found around every corner.

You mention some things you’ve tried and one of them was a “token” system.  Maybe I’m wrong, but this sounds like the kind of new-age bullshit that is part of the problem while purporting to be the solution.

I’m not a parent, but I do have a lot of experience with kids.  I was a youth basketball coach for 13 years and while that’s quite a jump from coach who spends a couple hours a day with a kid, to a parent who is stuck with the kid for life, I think that overall, the same strategies can be applied, so here, now, finally, I’ll get around to giving some advice instead of just bitching about parents today.

[pause for applause]

The first step is to put the fear of God into them.  Now, settle down, I’m not talking about taking your belt off and whipping them or anything.  I’m talking about you asserting yourself as the person in charge.  I’m talking about showing the child who has the power in your relationship.  You are the boss.  You need to make that abundantly clear.  This means rules and discipline.  It means being stern.  It means saying what you mean and meaning what you say.  It means following through—no idle threats. 

A punishment should be just that—punishing.  You don’t teach a kid anything by not allowing them to play video games for a day.  You teach a kid by turning the TV off, taking the computer away, taking the game system away.  You punish a kid by allowing them no other entertainment than a book—one of your choosing.  You punish a kid by putting those now-idle hands to use.  A nine year old can shovel snow, can cut the grass, can paint the fence, can hand wash the dishes, can vacuum, can scrub the toilets—and should. 

This “time out” bullshit is for the hippies.  Spend a Saturday three feet up your kid’s ass.  Work them from sun up to sun down.  Give them bread and water.  Make the punishment memorable and something that will influence them in the future. 

Kids NEED structure and discipline.  It starts with you.  You have to set it.  If you have a bratty kid, it’s very likely because you haven’t given the kid enough of one or both.  When kids act out, like yours is doing with her teacher, it’s a cry for help.  It’s a cry for that structure and discipline.  They sound like mean things but they are not.  A kid’s world should not be a huge world.  It should be a small place.  It should be filled with routine and they should be able to count on certain things.  It’s the only way the world makes sense to kids. 

On the discipline part, if you go the “fear of God” route and go heavy the first time, you’ll find that you probably don’t have to continually go there.  You can scale down punishments after making an impression.  You show the kids that YOU are the boss, make the respect that fact and then you don’t need to keep reinforcing it on the same level you started.

What about structure?  Well, kids need it.  What does that mean?  It means a couple different things.  It means that there needs to be some routine.  It means waking up at a set time every day.  It means going to bed at a certain time.  It means when they get home from school, they can do NOTHING until homework is finished.  Period.  It means chores.  It means that every day, a kid should be responsible for doing something that adds to the household.  It’s about reminding them that they are part of something bigger than just themselves.  It means filling up the hours and taking away “free” time. 

Kids need to be engaged.  You need to take your cue from them on this one.  If your kid enjoys sports, there’s one for every season.  If your kid enjoys or shows an aptitude for music, there can be lessons or practice time every single day.  If your kid is artistically inclined, there are art lessons.  Your kid’s life should be busy and full.  Some of it filled with responsibility, some of it filled with whatever form of self-betterment they enjoy most.  Of course they should have fun, but the fun should be structured and worthwhile.  The video games don’t cut it.  Hours of TV don’t cut it.  Your kid needs to be involved to the point of exhaustion doing the things they enjoy and love—but are also constructive. 

There is plenty of time to be your kid’s friend when they are older and you have taught them all they need to know.  For now, you are a mentor, a guide, a teacher, a role model, a disciplinarian, a cheerleader, an encourager.  You should care about what they want and it’s up to YOU to find constructive ways for them to channel those wants.  You have to BE IN CHARGE. 

Too many parents are so set on not becoming what their own parents were, they forget to stop and ask if the way their own parents raised them worked?  Just because you didn’t like the fact that your parents were strict doesn’t mean it wasn’t good for you.  The key is taking full control, and then in gradually releasing it and trusting your child with it after they have earned that right.  It’s about taking it back when trust is broken, and then releasing it again when it’s earned back.  If your child is acting out, the time has come for you to take greater control.  In your case, I’d guess it’s time to take complete control.  Don’t do it as a power-hungry tyrant.  Do it as a caring, loving parent who knows that the world can’t be thrust at a kid who is not ready to handle it. 

Kids are small.  Make their world small.  Make it manageable for them.  Teach them.  Show them the value of being responsible and of working hard.  As they learn, loosen up bit by bit and allow the child’s world to get bigger and bigger until they understand the true nature of the world around them and are able to deal with it’s ups and downs, triumphs and failures, success and disappointments.  Send them into that world gradually as they are ready for it. 

You must rule with an iron fist and a loving heart—but you MUST rule.  I’m not telling you to be mean.  I’m telling you to be tough.  Do it because you care.  They are children, not little adults.  They do not, contrary to popular belief, grow up so fast.  They grow up slowly and they need to be introduced to the world around them at the proper pace.  That’s my advice to you.  I hope it resonates.

Good luck,

Hoops

p.s.  If you’d like to do some further reading on the subject, I highly recommend the book, A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting by Hara Estroff Marano.  You’ll see that we don’t agree on everything, but she lays out some ideas that I think are truly worth reading about.  Some are shocking and eye-opening.  Her thoughts on medicating kids, ADD, binge drinking in teens and teen suicide are well worth your time if you want to keep your own kid off those tracks.