Shared Interests

Dear Hoops,

I am an artist/writer/blogger. It's not where I make all my living but I'm working on it.

I've started seeing someone. He's very into me and shows it. When he sees my art he's very interested, even asking me to share more. My writing...eh. I asked if he'd read any of my work. He said he hadn't yet.

I have a following. I know I'm readable. I also know he's not a big reader in general. But... it bugs me that he doesn't even bother.

I haven't told him it bugs me because I'm wondering if its something I need to get over? I never mind that he doesn't ask to know more about my day job. Why do I mind this?

If I was into rebuilding old cars, someone I was dating isn't really going to care about the details of the new transmission I just installed, right?

On the flip side, writing is a big part of my life. How would I feel if I published a book and someone who claims to care about me never actually sat down to read it?

So my question is, is it silly to expect him to be into my writing along with everything else he's into about me? I'd like to know your thoughts. I know you can relate, being a writer.

~write, right?

Dear Write,

We all want someone to share our passions with, so I do understand where you’re coming from, but I think in this instance, it might be worth trying to understand where he’s coming from to get a better handle on things.

Your analogy about rebuilding old cars is a good one but let’s take it from another angle and pretend that’s HIS hobby/passion/possible career path.  Do you think that as his girlfriend it’s your responsibility to learn how to install a new transmission so that you can share that activity?

I don’t. 

We all want someone to share our passions with, but that can mean a lot of different things.  If your passion is Cinema, for instance, he can go to movies with you and have opinions about whether he likes them or not.  If your passion is knitting, you have no expectations of him to pick up a pair of knitting needles and make mittens with you, right?  The fact of the matter is that it’s rare to find someone who has an actual, real, true interest in ALL of the same things we do.  Sometimes sharing a passion can mean being understanding of the time it takes to pursue that passion.  It means being supportive if you hit a rough patch with that passion.  It means believing in you.  It means being a sounding board when you need one.

Go back to the transmission installation for a moment.  If he brought you to the garage to watch him do it and he explained everything he was doing as he did it for you, even if you did do that, you’d probably be bored out of your mind.  If he quizzed you about it afterward, you probably wouldn’t be able to recall much of it.  If he asked your opinion of his work, you’d probably feel very under qualified to give him one.  The whole thing would be a bit intimidating and it might even leave you feeling a bit stupid and foolish.

Who wants to look stupid and foolish in front of the person they love, or worse—are falling in love with?  Who wants to look foolish in front of the person we want to love us?

He’s supportive of your art.  He wants to see more.  Art is like a movie though; you can enjoy it on a lot of different levels.  You can enjoy art for the aesthetic of it alone.  We all have the ability to look at a painting and understand it as pretty or ugly.  We all have the ability to look at a painting and see that it looks like what it’s supposed to look like.  I’m not knocking him!  I applaud him.  He’s sharing interests with you where he’s able and where he’s capable.  He doesn’t need to understand the symbolism behind your painting—and if pressed, he is free to interpret a painting in any way he wants to and be okay because that is the very nature of art, it says something about not only the artist, but the viewer.

Writing, however, is very different.  Writing is like installing a new transmission for a lot of people.  It’s scary.  It’s intimidating.  It’s filled with traps where he can say something stupid and wind up looking foolish.  He’s not a reader.  You are.  He’s not a writer.  You are. 

Some of the greatest mechanics in the world don’t know when to use there, their or they’re.  And so, if that mechanic is dating a writer, brilliant as he may be in mechanical engineering, he doesn’t want to expose himself as unintelligent by screwing up in your world—so it makes sense for him to avoid it.

At the end of the day, I don’t think your siggy other needs to share every interest with you.  I think this is a mistake that a lot of women actually make.  So many of you who aren’t into sports think that we’ll like you more if you learn to share that interest with them.  Not true!  We tend to get more aggravated having to try to explain it all to you when we just want to watch the game.  You don’t need to share that interest with us; all we want is for you to understand that it’s important to us, don’t discourage us from participating in it and allow us the “me time” we need to engage in it.

At the end of the day, you can’t really ask for more than that from him when it comes to your writing.  He can support you by being a sounding board on what a character might be like, he can support you by giving you an honest opinion on a topic that you need to understand better.  And yes, when you get that book published, he should read it but until then, cut him some slack.

If he took no interest in any of your passions that might be an issue, but it sounds to me like he does what he feels comfortable with and who knows, he may become more comfortable with the writing as time goes on.  In the end though, if he understands that it’s important to you, if he doesn’t discourage you from participation in it and he allows you the time and space you need to get your writing done, then you should feel loved and supported in your pursuit and count yourself as very lucky.

Write on.

-hoops