Being Cut Out Of A Friend's Life--Then Pulled Back In

Dear hoops, 


About a year ago, a good friend of mine cut me out of her life without explanation. I've never been able to figure out why. I was hurt and annoyed for a while, but I got over it and moved on. We still run in to each other at parties held by mutual friends, but it's as though I don't exist to her.



Then yesterday she emailed me asking for help because she got fired from her job for a bogus, made-up reason, but she can't afford a lawyer and she needs legal advice. I work in employment law.
 I would be happy to help out a friend for free...in fact, I often do. But after a year of silence, do I owe her anything? I believe in forgiveness, I just hate being used.



-Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

You don’t even owe her a return email.  If she cut you out of her life, than you are not a part of her life and as a nonentity in the life that is hers, you don’t really even exist and if you don’t exist then you can’t return an email or give her free legal advice.  If you were an actual person, someone she said hello to at parties, someone she called once in a while, someone who had sent an email to you asking how you were, or even forwarded a joke to you—then the bonds of friendship might compel you to feel obligated to do whatever you can to help her, but you don’t exist.  You are not real.  You are Santa Clause’s long lost daughter.  You are the Easter Bunny’s slutty girlfriend.  You are the Tooth Fairy’s sister’s friend’s cousin on her father’s side once removed.

As such, you don’t owe her a damn thing.  You are perfectly entitled to treat her email like a letter to Santa or a prayer to Cthulhu and file it away in your file of cute things the blissfully ignorant do.

If it was me though, I’d take this opportunity to get some closure—or at least make her kiss your ass a little bit!  Allow me:

Dear [Fucknut],

Wow.  I’m really surprised to hear from you.  When you cut me out of your life a year ago without any explanation, I really figured that was it between us.  Even with your current situation, I wouldn’t have imagined you’d call on me.  I assumed that whatever you felt I did to you to warrant being totally cut off without explanation would have been enough to keep you from contacting me for just about anything.

I’m not going to lie to you, there’s a part of me that feels for you and wants to help you.  That’s the part of me that never stopped being your friend, even if you didn’t want to be mine, I guess.  There’s also a part of me that feels really cheap.  I’m not good enough to be your friend anymore, but apparently I am good enough to help you when you need it?  I’m conflicted.

I’m getting by just fine without your friendship.  I’m not looking to get it back.  Someone who would bail on me without even letting me know why isn’t really someone I want to surround myself with to be honest.  I do feel like you owe me an honest explanation before I even consider your request though. 

Tell me the truth about why you cut me out of your life.  No bullshit.  No lies.  No ass-kissing.  You don’t just go from being friends like we were to being nothing without there being a reason.  You owe me that much.  And after you give me that small courtesy—one you should have given me a long time ago—I’ll seriously consider your request for my help.  I’ll be straight with you that I’m leaning toward helping you out.  Don’t fuck it up by patronizing me or lying about why we aren’t friends anymore.  Respect me enough to tell me the truth.  Show me the respect you didn’t bother to show me a year ago when you cut me out of your life.  Do that much and I’ll do my best to respect the fact that we were once friends and a part of me still doesn’t want to see you hurt.

-Conflicted

That’s what I’d say.  Hell, you can copy and paste it word for word if you like.  From there I’d honor what you say.  I’d wait for her reply.  If it’s wishy-washy or ass-kissing, if she denies cutting you out of her life and says something like you just drifted apart but she’s always considered you to still be one of her very best friends, I’d reply to her and let her know that you can’t help her out other than to maybe recommend another source for free legal advice—if you know of one.

If she does respect you enough to give you an actual reason, even if you don’t like it, then I’d probably help her out.  I wouldn’t go full tilt the way I would for a real friend of mine.  For my real friend’s I’d crawl to the corners of the Earth.  Even if she does come clean to you, she’s still no better than an acquaintance to you now.  She’s like a friend of a friend.  I’d offer help accordingly.  I’d help a friend of a friend, but I’d do it on my terms, at my pace, in my free time and I wouldn’t let it interfere with anything else important I had going on in my life.

There are benefits that come with being friends with someone.  When you stop being that person’s friend, you give up those benefits.  To come back and expect them after you cut someone out of your life is ballsy.  She’s certainly using you.  She’s trying to get one of the benefits of your friendship back even though she hasn’t given you the kind of friendship that earns that privilege.  So, acknowledge that fact.  Let her use you, in trade for what you want from her—closure.  It may infuriate you to hear why she chose to dump you.  It likely will.  You don’t just cut someone out of your life for nothing, but at least you’ll know. 

Regardless of what happens, I don’t suggest using this as a means to any kind of reconciliation between the two of you.  No matter what her reason might be, if you accept it as truth, I’d stay away from her after either helping or not helping.  No matter what her reason a true friend owes you an explanation.  Not giving you one was a sign of total disrespect.  Any offering of an olive branch on her part now can’t be taken seriously.  It may very well be—and likely is—a means to an end, with that end being your help. 

IF, when all is said and done, you do find yourself wanting to reconcile with her and be friends again—if she does suggest that and ask for it, I advise you to give her a very simple test.  Once you’re done helping her, tell her if she’s truly serious about being friends again that she should wait two months to give you some space and then she should call you so you can get together.  My bet is that once she’s free and clear you won’t get that call.  But…if, after two months of not needing your help, she does call?  Well...that’s up to you.  Give her a shot if you want, but remember the old adage:  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

Good luck.

-hoops