Bros before Hos

Dear Hoops-

First I will give you the back story: I dated Joe for 5 years, starting in high school and following through to our dramatic end in college. He was cheating on me, with at least 3 girls, one of whom he knocked up. Ultimately no baby was born, but we went our separate ways.

We did (do) however have several of the same friends and recently I have become very close to his best friend.  Joe and I have now been apart but cordial for almost 2 years. In the past 4 months I have noticed his best friend-Andrew- flirting with me, and generally paying a lot of attention to me. I like his attention.

I like Andrew, I now think maybe I always have liked him. We drunkingly had sex on Halloween, with no one around, and now he is ignoring me. We had never even kissed but well.  My problem is I like him and I dont want my past relationship to stop me from a future one. Joe and Andrew used to be roommates and are very close. Andrew also apoligized to me in the past month for never telling me that Joe had been cheating for so long. I like him, I think he atleast cares about me-do you think we have a chance? or am I just seeking the next best thing to Joe?

---me

Dear Me,

Let’s clear that up right off the bat.  You are not me.  You are you.  You shouldn’t sign things “—me” when you are actually not me and are in fact, you.  So, in the future, please don’t misrepresent yourself as me when you are obviously you and we can all get along nicely.

This one is kind of an easy one.  It may not be easy to see from inside it, but looking from the outside in it seems pretty clear to me that this is a “bros before hos” rule being applied.  Guess which one you are?  Sorry.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure this guy has a very real and actual crush on you and in another life could really see himself being happy with you, but this isn’t another life, it’s the life where he’s best friends with your ex.  His crush on you has already caused him to betray his friend in the minor way of apologizing for covering things and keeping them from you when in truth, even if his friend was being a douchemonkey, if he wanted to keep being his friend then he did do the right thing in not telling you.  Now he’s betrayed his friend in a big way, by getting drunk and allowing that to lower his inhibitions and sense of honor by allowing a ho to come before a bro, at least for that night.  He also slept with a friend’s ex without first getting the okay from him. 

What it all leads to is a man who feels very guilty now.  He feels guilty about the betrayal of his friend.  He feels guilty about leading you on.  He feels guilty about a lot of things.  His guilt is what’s keeping him from contacting you.  You may not want a past relationship to get in the way of a future one, but that choice isn’t up to you.  It sounds like your guy has already chosen for you and there really isn’t anything you can do about it.  I mean, I don’t know how close these two guys are but if you break up their friendship that doesn’t speak very well of you.  If he breaks up the friendship for a shot with you (and they are good/close friends) then that doesn’t speak very well of him. 

Sometimes you just have to walk away and that’s the way it is.  It sounds like this is one of those cases to me.  If he’s ignoring you then he’s already made up his mind.  Do you really want to be the kind of girl who would break up a friendship between two guys?  Do you really want to date the kind of man who has so little loyalty that he’d give up a friend to date you?  Do you really want a relationship that begins with secrets and backstabbing and disloyalty and such?  If a relationship is born in dishonesty, how do you suppose it will die?

Life isn’t fair.  I’m sorry.  I wish it could be and you and this guy could have a real chance, but I don’t think you do.  Maybe he’ll talk to your ex, explain his feelings and get the okay to date you and then maybe he will, but the ball is in his court.  He’s got the decisions to make here.  The most I think you can do is leave him a message or send him an email letting him know that you get it and you hope that he finds the courage to tell his friend what happened and get his okay because you really do think the two of you have potential.  After that, you have to leave it alone. 

Good luck.

-hoops