Fight or Flight?

Dear Hoops

At what point do you give up on a 10 year marriage where almost everything is "fine" but you don't have sex any more? 

We get along ok most of the time, but due to a chronic health issue on his part, we've done the nasty exactly once since last Labor Day, and it was a shaken-out-of-a-dead-sleep 2-minute quickie. This is unacceptable.

I'm trying to be patient, but even when he's not in the midst of a flare up (he has IBS, for the record) he promises we will and but we never do. He claims to be as unhappy about this as I am, but he never brings it up unless I do and his actions contradict that. he makes zero effort and I've quit trying because I'm tired of being told no. 

He's able, physically, to perform, he just doesn't seem to want to. And no, he's not having an affair. 

Is this a valid reason to break up a family? I can't live the rest of my life as a nun and I find myself frequently depressed and/or crying myself to sleep (alone of course- he never come to bed) because of this. Am I crazy?

Signed,

Deprived or Depraved?

Dear Depraved,

Don’t be silly.  Of course you’re crazy!  I mean, who makes vows to love through sickness and in health, in good times and in bad and then wants to bail on a relationship and a family when almost everything is fine—with the exception of sex?  Don’t get me wrong, I feel for you.  I understand your dilemma and I KNOW it’s serious, but I also want to pick you up and shake you until your neck snaps or common sense shakes loose.  

The most telling statement in your letter to me is this one:  “I’ve quit trying because I’m tired of being told no.”  Divorce is the quitters option and it sounds like you are a quitter.  Well this is bigger than you sweetheart, so put on your big girl panties and refuse to quit on your FAMILY.  That’s right, this isn’t just about you and never-loved loins, this is about your family.  I’m assuming that means you have kids.  Do you really want to subject them to divorce just because you’re a) horny and b) tired of trying and ready to quit?

People like you bug me and I’ll tell you why.  You “try” and when “trying” doesn’t work it’s all woe me, pity me!  You know what Jedi-fucking-Master Yoda said about trying?  He said, “Do, or do not, there is no [motherfucking] try!”  Trying means that you’ve attempted to talk about and been put off.  Doing means you’ve made it absolutely clear to your husband just how deeply this affects you.  You’ve told him that if the sex doesn’t pick up—and drastically—that you would definitely think about cheating on him.  You’ve told him that if the sex doesn’t pick up that you’ve already considered divorce.

Doing means couples counseling and if he won’t go, it means going on your own.  Doing means divorce only even occurs to you after you have given every possible other solution a meaningful chance.  

Do you really think you’re alone here?  Do you really think you’re unique?  Do you really think that in the history of couples, you are the first to hit a rut in the sex department after 10 years of marriage and (I’m assuming) a kid or two?  If every couple who reached this challenge point just got tired of trying and got a divorce the divorce rates would be…well, what they are now.  So, do you want to be one of those fucktard quitters?  Do you want to subject your kids to the difficulties that divorce brings?  Do you want them to grow up with less self-esteem and greater trust issues as many children of divorce often have?  

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I truly only believe in divorce in the case of mental or physical abuse.  Everything else can be fixed.  The only exception to that is when one partner refused to help fix a situation but you’re a long way away from that point.  You’re nowhere near that point.  What you’ve done to “try” isn’t even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to this marriage, to this family and to yourself.  

The most commonly shared thing I’ve noticed about situations like yours is that the partner in your husband’s shoes, NEVER fully understands how serious this issue is to you.  The man routinely says it’s important to him too, routinely says that he wants more sex too, routinely says all those things and then doesn’t do a damn thing.  The most common thing I’ve noticed about women in your shoes is that you never TRULY make it clear just how serious this issue is until you start throwing around the D-word like a fucking ninny.  

My advice to you is to WAKE HIM UP.  You are teetering on the brink and he has no fucking clue.  I don’t care what you’ve told him—he has no fucking clue!  Everything else is fine.  He does not understand just how serious the issue of sex is to you.  All your trying has been for naught.  You haven’t even made a dent.  The bigger issue here is that this is a HUGE issue for you and it’s barely registered on his radar as more than a minor little thing.

You can’t even THINK about divorce until you’ve “tried” so hard that you are 100% certain that he fully understands the gravity of the issue.  He has to fully understand that the corner you feel backed into leaves you with only two options that you can see—cheating or divorcing him.  You never even bring cheating up in your letter so I’m going to assume that it’s not part of your plans—that’s good, because cheating is the other reason why I think divorce is a valid option.  That said, its worth putting on the table in your discussions with him.  Let him know that you’re not a cheater, but because of that, your only option to get sex—which is very important to you—is to end your marriage.  

You aren’t special.  You aren’t unique.  You are just like a many, many, many others.  Your issue is common.  Your problem is universal.  What will separate you, what can make you unique and special is how you deal with your problem.  It’s easy to quit.  It’s easy to “quit trying.”  If you respect your marriage, your kids, your family and yourself so little that you’re willing to quit trying at this stage of things then go ahead, this won’t make a dent.  But if you meant any of what you said when you vowed to be this man’s wife, then there should be no point at which you ever stop trying.  

Two or three years from now you’ll look back on this situation and it’ll be one of two things:  It’ll have been a blip on the radar, something that you fought and overcame and seems silly now as you look back, or it’ll be the thing that destroyed your family and forever affected the way you look at men and the way your children look at and understand relationships and love.  The difference will be whether or not you have truly quit trying, or whether you understand, as the only person who truly understands the weight of things as they stand, you have not yet even begun to fight.

I hope you’re a fighter.  I hope you said things in your letter born of frustration rather than them being what is truly in your heart.  I have a feeling that you’re more than your letter leads us to believe.  I have a feeling you’re stronger.  I have a feeling you can do this.  Prove me right.

Be a fighter,

hoops