The Three Day Rule

Dear Hoops,

This guy and I met online on a dating site. We emailed back and forth for a few weeks, not super consistently. Finally I gave him my # and said I was going out that night if he wanted to meet up. He text me and we ended up hanging out at his house (outside as I made it clear no sex). We decided to have a make out session but first we talked for like two hours straight. He told me about his family, his job, his past girlfriend. We got along really well. He was super sweet about the kissing, never tried to feel me up or anything, didn't cram his tongue down my throat or anything.

He walked me to my car when I left and kissed me goodbye. I text him a hey the next day and jokingly said so when's round two. He said I'm not sure but I will totally let you know.  The make out happened Friday, I text him Sat. afternoon. Then Monday I emailed him (didn't save his #) and asked if he wanted to go have drinks Wed. No reply. Why the blow off? One friend said I was a failed booty call another says maybe he is in to me but doesn't want to treat me like a booty call so he might be exploring other options. I have no clue but have decided not to contact him

What gives?

Signed,

Utterly Confused

Dear Confused,

Take a deep breath.  In.  Out.  In.  Out.  In.  Out. (I have to stop this I’m getting horny).  You need to chill the fuck out.  You kissed on Friday.  You sent him a text the very next day which he replied to indicating he would get in touch with you—that he was unsure, but that he’d let you know.  You went through Sunday without hearing from him and by Monday you chose to email him asking him out for drinks.

What’s the view like from his upper intestines?

Look, I’m not a big believer in the 3-day rule for everyone, but some people really need to take it to heart.  You might be one of those people.  Let me put a hypothetical scenario out there for you:

This guy meets up with a girl he met online.  They have a good time.  She’s insistent that nothing sexual is going to happen, but they have a nice time making out and talking.  She leaves and after the makeout session he’s a bit worked up.  He jerks off and goes to bed thinking that the girl was nice, he was attracted to her and might be interested in going out again.  His only problem with her was a) that she seemed a little needy or b) that she was a little pushy, but then again, that might have just been first date nerves or whatever.  He had plans the next few days but he figures he’ll give her a call on Sunday or Monday and ask her out again.

The next day—the VERY NEXT DAY—he gets a text from her asking him out again.  Wow.  Huh.  This really just kind of reinforces his thoughts that she may be a) needy or b) pushy.  His last girlfriend was needy/pushy and he’s not sure he wants to go through that again.  He texts back saying that he’s not sure when he can get together but he’ll let her know.  Surely, she’ll back off a bit now and he can get back to her later in the week now, maybe Wednesday or Thursday.

No such luck.  She emails on Monday.  Really?  Yes.  Really.  This just confirms in his mind that this girl is too needy/pushy.  He can’t deal with a girl who a) is that needy or b) can’t let him be the man and actually ask her out instead of always pushing the issue.  “Fuck it!” he says and chooses not to reply.

That’s how I see this having played out.  I think it was fine that you took initiative and asked him out in the first place, but to have followed up so quickly after the date and asked him when the next date was going to happen gives off a stink of desperation.  When a girl comes off as desperate a guy starts wondering what he might be missing that would make her so desperate?  Suddenly, everything she did and said is magnified and he reads signs that may not have been there an before she knows it, he’s no longer interested.

A man likes to feel like a man and part of that is being the hunter.  I think most men are okay—even happy—to be asked out on a date by a woman, but after that first date, she’s got to give him some space to man up and do some pursuing of his own.  You’ve essentially given him all the power in this relationship after one date, a text and an email.  He knows he’s got you.  You aren’t a challenge of any kind for him.  Sure, he may have to wait a week or two before he gets you horizontal, but he can put that time in with no problem.  You are a fish in a barrel.

What you should have done is made that first text something like, “Thanks for a great night!  I really had a great time!”  Then you should have left it alone.  You asked him on the first date.  Being the one to broach the subject of date number two first was a big mistake and doing so SOOOOO soon and not giving him a chance to do it first was even bigger.  I’m not going to lie to you.  It all goes into that first impression and may have even ruined it.

My advice to you is this:  Wait a few days.  Don’t contact him again until after this weekend.  When you do contact him, do it in a brief email.  Say something like:  Hey, it’s Sunday night and I just realized I hadn’t heard from you after my last email.  Then I realized that I actually texted you the day after our date and then emailed you the day after that and wow…pushy much?  (go with pushy over needy here.  You can do a spin job on pushy to make it an admirable quality, needy is only good for someone with a hero complex) Sorry about that.  I’m just one of those “planner” people and didn’t even realize I was being “that girl” when I sent it.  Anyway, I had a good time last weekend.  I hope you did too!  Then close with an inside joke that has nothing to do with anything.  Use something he said on the date—something he tried to be funny about.  Don’t ask him out.  Don’t bring up another date.  Don’t even hint at it.  The purpose of this email is to let him know that you haven’t thought about him since you sent the email and that when you did think about him and wonder about why he hadn’t replied, you immediately realized that you had been “pushy,” and that you’re sorry for that. 

I can’t promise it’ll work.  He may be frightened away.  He may see enough in what you’ve shown him to remind him of the worst qualities of an ex who he’s not eager to revisit in the form of a new girl with the same issues.  You may have to chalk this one up to a lesson learned the hard way.  Then again…this guy took forever to go out with you the first time.  It took you inviting him out last minute to get him off his ass.  Maybe he’s just really busy in his life right now?  Maybe all you need to do is wait?  Who knows?

One thing is for sure:  The first impression on a date doesn’t end with the goodnight kiss.  What you do in terms of calls/texts/emails/FB posts over the next few days is part of that impression and very important.  What you do can either reinforce or ease any doubts your date had about you.  Specifically, don’t be needy.  Don’t be over-eager.  Be cool.  Be kind.  Be chill.

I hope it all works out for you!

-hoops